Its been so fuckingg long since i’ve felt happy. According to everyone in the world, i should be happy and thankful and never be sad.
If only life worked that way. Am i selfish to want to end it all?? Yes and no. Mainly yes.
See, i am 29, single mom to 2 girls. I should be happy for them, right? Yes. They are my life. But, see, i strughle with these mental illnesses and it takes away my everything.
Currently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Attatchment Disorder, severe anxiety and panic disorder.
Fucking blows.
Out of the past year, ive attempted suicide 3 times. First one landed me on life support, 2nd i chose to go to the hospital and this past monday, i tried to OD. Didnt go to the hospital. Ive been institutionalized twice. Felt better for a solid 8mths, but holidays kill me.
Does this shit get better?? Am i the only grown ass adult here still wanting to find comfort in death??
My girls deserve better.
3 comments
for one to “never be sad” is simply an unrealistic delusion … so whoever is telling you that is terribly clueless or has been blessed with an exceptionally charmed life – good for them, but totally out of touch with reality for the rest of us. Same pretty much goes for “being happy” … at least for extended periods of time. Happy and sad are hills and valleys of emotion … I suggest being realistic and pragmatic and simply finding a way to be “content” on the whole with life. You have 2 VERY important reasons to stick around – your kids. and you can wish with all your might that they “deserve better” … but despite your flaws, NOTHING is “better” than a parent’s love. Granted, there are always exceptions – but I don’t think you’re one of them – at least from what your write, that’s my take away.
Life isn’t easy – and it never will be. But we tend to make it harder than it needs to be by needlessly dwelling on past events and fretting over thing things in the future that may never come to pass.
Take the time to enjoy the part of the day that are enjoyable – the hugs and kisses you share with your kids for example, and do your best to get through the rough moments to find your way to those better, happier moments … but over all, live in the present – live this day … not tomorrow, not yesterday … but TODAY.
The Holidays are just days – they only carry the significance and emotion that we assign them … but like any other day, it’s a NEW day – fresh, without anything to mar it … live that new day s if it’s the first time you’ve ever celebrated it.
I wish I could be more specific but I am admittedly ignorant about the specifics of your mental health issues … but everything boils down to perspective and perception … if you perceive something as bad, irritable, etc, you WILL find those things in everything you see when looking at that thing. Conversely, if you look for the good and wholesomeness … you’re more apt to fond THOSE things instead … this take some time and practice to retrain the mind to perceive in this new way … but persevere and keep at it, eventually you’ll start doing it without even thinking 🙂
all the best – please give your kids the most precious gift they could ever hope for … YOU … each and every morning.
upbeat dawg
i had a family member who was about your age when he killed himself he was married, he also had two kids: a boy and a girl. He had worked his entire life to leave a third world country and move to a western country that was still extremely racist at the time. he was the first of our family to come over to north america and during his life he helped bring as many friends and family as he could to come across the ocean. then one day he jumped infront of a train. after his death no one ever forgot him. my grandmother and father both talked about how much they missed him until their deathbeds. his two kids were left with an empty void and never felt like they were good enough because not even their father cared enough to stay with them.
“Currently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Attatchment Disorder, severe anxiety and panic disorder.” Check
“Fucking blows.” Check
“See, i am 29, single mom to 2 girls. I should be happy for them, right? Yes. They are my life.”, Che–wait whaaat?
for the love of everything, get help!, any help!
yes I know it sucks, trust me on this, I feel you more than you know. and I don’t know where you live or what your circumstances are, financial, support, socially.
BUT, for the sake of your 2 girls find help, anything, any kind. Do not leave you children like that.
having grown up in in group home/foster care, as a ward of the state, even if it was in a “better country than some” I can tell I would not wish that on anyone!
and even if they got to grow up with family, father, god parents, relatives of any kind. They would be completely distraught.
Take it from me, there is nothing more precious than Mom when you are a child, even if its a “sad Mom”, sad Mom is better than no Mom any day of the week.
You need to keep fighting, if not for yourself, at least for them, by any means necessary,
and if they are able, depending on age, TRUST me, they will want to help
even if only being a handful years old, if we can help Mommy to get better, if we can help Mommy smile we want to!
and it might feel like even more shit to lean on them, but if they can and want, let them!
Mom is everything, Mom is the most important thing in our lives.
Please I urge you to try find and try any help you can and keep on holding on. You are by no means useless or worthless, and never will be, you are everything to those 2 girls.
The struggle might be hard and long, but it doesn’t have to be forever, and you girls would love to see you win that struggle
Free clinics, counselors, case/social workers, open group meetings, volunteers, there are many possibilities out there
Please please keep going.
I have no right to ask this of you, but for your girls I’m asking all this of you.
Please take care of yourself, so you can be around to take care of them.