I want tonight to be the night.
But im scared again.
I want to fall asleep and never wakeup.
But i cant.
I want to blead out. I want to feel the physical pain rather than the emotional. I want to watch everything turn red. But it wont. Because im terrified again.
Why is heartbreak the only thing im able to put into words? What about the rape? What about the trauma? What about the abandonment and fear and selfloathing and the screaming and unfamiliar voices in my unfamiliar mind. I dont even know if this brain is fucking mine..
But i dont know how to talk about this.. So here. More bull shit about how having someone here would fix everything even though i know damn well the lonliness is the least of my problems.
Theres a crushing weight on ny chest tonight. The old familiar sadness has an extra sting this time around. Id kill to be close to someone right now. Id kill to have someone elses voice in my head. To feel skin that isnt my own. To taste a kiss that doesnt feel like death. Because even temporary comfort is better than this. I dont know why i feel this way, but i know how to numb it just for a moment. But i cant. I wont. That isnt me. Still… Its hard not to wish it were. Its hard not to wish a warm body for the night was enough. It isnt. Just makes the pain that much worse when its over. After bliss comes hell.
I cant handle this on my own anymore, but i cant let anyone else take on my burden. It isnt right.
Im fucking done and i want out. Im sick of all this fear and doubt. Sick of the hatred and unending ache. Sick of the cinstant buzz buzz buzzing in my head and the screams and horror. The nightmares. Take it all and let me fucking die. God dammit let me die
5 comments
I tried to hang myself earlier today, but I was too scared too. Not only was I too scared, but as I felt the pressure from the noose around my neck, I started to think….is this really the best choice? Eventually, after standing for 10 minutes, crying, with a bed sheet around my neck, I came to the conclusion of NO, THIS IS NOT THE BEST CHOICE. Sure life is hard now, but odds are it WILL get better. I know some people may be tired of hearing that, but I believe it to be true. It took me almost killing myself to realize that. I’m going to declare bankruptcy, find a job, and live at a homeless shelter for the next few months until I can get back on my feet. You wanna know why? Because this future is better than no future at all. If you truly want to make a friend, then I’m here for ya. You can look me up on Facebook (my name is DeAnte Perry), or you can email me (dsuccessstory@yahoo.com). I would give you my cell number so we could text, but I’m too poor to afford a cell phone ^.^
I know the feeling, but hopefully you stick around. The negative thoughts have been piercing my brain for a few days and it’s too much. I forced myself to start a mood stabilizer tonight. There’s an extra fucking person in this house making noise tonight and I refuse to let my family think I’m hiding because of any of them. I need to at least fake it through this crap for now.
Hey Sammy
Just wanted to thank you for commenting on my post. You are very kind. Hugs
And please don’t kill yourself.
*Sammi
Sorry.
“Just makes the pain that much worse when it’s over. After bliss comes hell.”
I wish I could argue, but I would only sound like a fool. Temporary fixes, coping, distractions, and the worst: hope. They only mask the pain. And the pain always comes back with a vengeance