Was just wondering if anyone was still around from back then.
And so many more whose tags currently escape me? Are any of you old ghosts left to haunt this place?
Love you guys. Wherever you are, be it here or next life, you’re in my thought and I’m wishing you the best.
But of course…
Still not happy.
Fuck me, though, right?
Because i just can’t stay away from you guys and had to know if a few of you were still breathing. I love you guys and i am so thankful for each and every one of you. I’m not doing well, but i am doing better and fighting every day to progress even further. Hang in there.
With all of my support and gratitude
That sudden wave of hope that hit me the other day? Yeah. Its fucking gone. Fuck that. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck them. Fuck me.
Trying really hard to maintain my composure. Just isnt going well tonight. I could really use a kick in the ass.. Or a brick to the face… Or a bullet to the head. Im stuck somewhere between wanting to die and wanting to make things better for myself. Its a constant back and forth and its really messing with my head. I dont belong on this site.. But i dont belong in this fucking world either.
Did i say fuck enough? No?
Tonight i found the opposite of what i was seeking. Rather than death, i found life. I didn’t realize how many people were rallying behind me and definitely didn’t realize how many beautiful things i had become blind to over the years. Im terrified of living and i still haven’t forgotten why i came so close, but after so many times saying ” this is it”, i found myself making a list of all of the reasons i stayed. Yeah the world is shit. Yes my brain gets the best of me and sometimes i want to rip it out and throw it to the side. That being said, suicide clearly isn’t a viable answer for me.. I guess i just need to start looking for more things to love. So now I’m saying goodbye. But I’m saying it to the parts of me that keep dragging me down. I need to give change another shot.
Thank you guys for putting up with my rambling and bull shit.
And i dont have a clue what’s happening. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know where my mind is.
Finished hey joe.. Changed it up a lot. Im sure ill never let anyone hear it. But its done and my hands are fucking killing me.
Also… You are the most amazing person I’ve ever met. Remember one of the first stories i told you? The one about the angel? You were my angel
With all of my love and apologies,
Okay.. Maybe not. But youre awesome and i wish you the best.
Overacievers who already passed,
Hope to see you soon.
That person who will inevitably text me within5 minutes of this post,
Thanks. You’ve been great. I’m sure we’ll talk before i go.
I failed. I did not make it through the holidays. Tomorrow night is definitely it. I dont know why im posting this. I guess maybe i just want to tell people who cant physically stop me. Or maybe i do want a bit of attention before i go. Either way. Right now ive got nothing to lose. Lets make this quick and clean.
Wishing the rest of you guys the best. Good luck.
Somebody please tell me why im still breathing. Why am i waiting until january? Fuck it. Im out.
I tried so hard to come see you since you said you were taking a break from SP. Your ass couldn’t even be bothered to wake up? I’m heartbroken
Found my method. Found my location. Set my date. Now we wait.
Curtains are closing. Time to take a bow. In my opinion, I’ve put on one hell of a show. Hurt a lot of people. Made a lot of mistakes. Hurt myself. Helped a few people. Did a few things right. Helped myself. I’m done now.
Just wish the headaches would stop. Immune system is weakening again. Should probably see a doctor. But if anything is uh.. Resurfacing.. I don’t want to know about it.
Side note: the sun setting over Mexico. I want that to be my final memory. It’s glorious
Saint Bernard to be exact. She’s gorgeous and drools everywhere. I wonder if she would’ve wanted to die while she was locked in that tiny cage covered in her own piss.. I still smell it on her. Taking her home to bathe her. Did she want to die? Or was she just in ignorant bliss? Shes 4 and her family got rid of her so their kid could get a puppy. I get that. When i was 11 dad got rid of me so he could fuck a 20 year old.
Anyways. I sat down next to her and she just pressed herself into my leg. The love was instantaneous. I just wish things like this were enough to keep me going. They’re not. January, where are you?
.. So why do i still want to find the nearest bridge.
“A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage then is heard no more..”
My hour is up. Just waiting for the curtains to close.
I want tonight to be the night.
But im scared again.
I want to fall asleep and never wakeup.
But i cant.
I want to blead out. I want to feel the physical pain rather than the emotional. I want to watch everything turn red. But it wont. Because im terrified again.
Why is heartbreak the only thing im able to put into words? What about the rape? What about the trauma? What about the abandonment and fear and selfloathing and the screaming and unfamiliar voices in my unfamiliar mind. I dont even know if this brain is fucking mine..
But i dont know how to talk about this.. So here. More bull shit about how having someone here would fix everything even though i know damn well the lonliness is the least of my problems.
Theres a crushing weight on ny chest tonight. The old familiar sadness has an extra sting this time around. Id kill to be close to someone right now. Id kill to have someone elses voice in my head. To feel skin that isnt my own. To taste a kiss that doesnt feel like death. Because even temporary comfort is better than this. I dont know why i feel this way, but i know how to numb it just for a moment. But i cant. I wont. That isnt me. Still… Its hard not to wish it were. Its hard not to wish a warm body for the night was enough. It isnt. Just makes the pain that much worse when its over. After bliss comes hell.
I cant handle this on my own anymore, but i cant let anyone else take on my burden. It isnt right.
Im fucking done and i want out. Im sick of all this fear and doubt. Sick of the hatred and unending ache. Sick of the cinstant buzz buzz buzzing in my head and the screams and horror. The nightmares. Take it all and let me fucking die. God dammit let me die
Petal after petal falls away
The dead of winters here to stay
A shiver runs down my spine
I can feel the slow passage of time
Clocks ticking second by second
The smell of this place; quite unpleasant
Stale air and misplaced feelings
I need peace from a mind that’s reeling
Screaming voices and shaking fingers
Thoughts of suicide still linger
If the cold doesn’t take me first
This bullet may well quench my thirst
Forgive me, father. For i care not what I’ve done.
Forgive me, father. For i know not what you’ve done.
Forgive me, father. You are a fraud.
To whom do i belong
When the first snow falls
When the winter drags on
And the nights have grown long
I’ll sit in silence
Waiting for your song
Tell me you need me
Ive been here so long
With arms outstretched
And eyes closed tightly
I’ll take my last step
And pray that you’ll catch me
I do not fear falling
Or even my death
I fear being lonely
As i take my last breath
So i ask again
To whom do i belong
When summer rain falls
When the heat drags on
and the days have grown long
I’ll sit in silence
Waiting for your song
Tell me I’m yours
Ive been here so long
Feeling the holiday spirit. -_- so much so that i would gladly curb stomp the next Santa i see. Anyways. If anyone feels like shootin the shit, leave your kik down below.
Not that it would solve much. Just temporary warmth. If I’m honest, i don’t mind the cold. Its just the wind that bothers me. I don’t mind the rain. But it clouds my vision. I don’t mind that the sky is dark. But… Well there’s really no downside to that. It looks nice.
I have this feeling. Like rock in my chest. Like a knot in my stomach. But it isn’t bad. Its like suffocating, but somehow comforting. Its stupid. I hate it. But its beautiful and i love it.
Nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
Feel like ive been spamming, but my mind is racing and im sitting here alone. I want to go somewhere in my last month on this earth. Somewhere ive never been. Now ive really got nothing left to lose, so why not? Who knows.. Maybe if i go, I’ll find a reason to breathe. Or show someone else why they should carry on. Maybe i shouldn’t go. If i don’t go, i have a safety. All of this is a sure thing and I’m good to go..
Ha.. Listen to me. Talking like travel is an option when you’re broke. That’s not a thing.
January 30th.. Gives me almost two months. My brothers birthday is January17th and my sisters the 25th. I want to be here for those. I really REALLY don’t want to wait that long, though. It seems like a life time. I guess it’ll give me time to finally settle on a method and work out all of the kinks. Maybe get laid. -_- im just so tired.. And ready to stop waking up
Wont be much longer. Maybe january.. I feel it in my bones. In my heart. In the pit of my stomach. Its time for me to go, and im ready. Feels like my chest is collapsing tonight. I want to cry and laugh. Scream and fight. Love and cherish. I want to feel and do everything all at once and its overwhelming. But in the back of my mind, i hear that voice saying over and over “its time.”
Its time.. Im not afraid. It doesnt bother me. My only concern is the people i’ll be hurting in the process. But grief is temporary. Life goes on. Just not mine.