I feel numb

I feel numb inside. broken and numb. everyone always tells me “why are you so unhappy? you have loving parents and loving friends, theres nothing wrong with you”. im sick of hearing that. just so fucking sick. just because everything is perfect on the outside it doesnt mean that everything is perfect on the inside too. news flash, its not. i just spent three weeks in a psych ward being forced to talk about my feelings and my depression. all the doctors and social workers just looked at me and told me that i needed to believe the fact people love me and itll get better. “it will get better” well, when youre stuck in a depressing state like this, constantly thinking about death, you cant see it getting better. my birthday is on Wednesday. on Wednesday, i will turn 17. and it scares me thinking that all i want for my birthday is to be dead. im sick of people not believing me when i say im depressed. i went to the fucking hospital because i almost killed myself when my mom was home. things can be so perfect yet so crappy at the same time and all i want is someone who understands this. i cut to make myself feel pain. because i hate myself so much i dont deserve to feel good things anymore. i dont deserve to be happy. my scars are a reminder of what a shitty person i am, and that i dont deserve happiness. ive tried reaching out for help. but now im just so fed up with the lack of it and the responses ive received i just want to die already. it feels like im drowning in my own thoughts, constantly gasping for air, and maybe one day, one week, one month, ill let myself drown, and let it be the end of this all