I have finally reached my breaking point. No one I know really understands me or what I’m dealing with. I was diagnosed many years ago with Major Depressive Disorder. Drugs and therapy have done nothing. I have attempted suicide four times now, all of the attempts impulsive and poorly coordinated. I checked myself into a psych ward one month ago for suicidal ideations. I was there for one week and out of work for an additional week. When I came back to work I found myself right back in the same hellhole I left when I admitted myself to the hospital. I worked for two days and then abruptly quit. Now I am jobless (for the first time in over twenty years) and have no real desire to move on with my life. There is no taste, no pleasure, just dry and miserable nothingness. My family and friends have no idea that I have been doing nothing for the past several weeks except planning my goodbye. They check in. I lie. “Yeah, work is fine.” Whenever I see them I put on my happy face. The whole production is so exhausting. My bills are paid up for the rest of December. After that there is just no money. And, again….there is no desire whatsoever to go looking for another job. I have no degree. All I have is well over ten years of experience doing something that only serves to drive life out of me.
I will use helium. I have already planned it out. Next Wednesday evening I will put on some good music and check out.
I just needed to get all of this out before the end comes.
3 comments
Hope everything works works out for you whether you stay or go. I’ve lost interest in everything as well.
Hi Goodbyebluesky -(pink Floyd ??) / Woody .. I find myself jobless and I am just waiting till the money runs out .. If I can’t find any way of fitting in and getting work /money I guess It’s the same path for me . Though I can’t buy helium tanks here where I live I figure CO is the next best thing . Never tried The pill thing but I bet that was fun for ya though .. I, like you tried half assed once before I did some research into the matter of suicide .. Crazy right . Act first think later .?
You say your paid up for December .. Not going to wait ? See Santa and all ? I haven’t given myself a dead line as I think It adds to the pressure ( for me anyhow ). Sometimes Like when I first tried The feeling was just there and everything was right . Just make sure you don’t pressure yourself too much if the time is not right for you on Wednesday . Any day is a good day for suicide if the time is right for you . I would go and rent a gauge for your bottles is all I would say to you as doing it that way You don’t want to fuck it up and be just a dribbling mess in a public nursing home or worse… Life is a fucking kick in the balls for some of us goodbyebluesky .. Looks like we ( everyone here ) got dealt the shit cards this time .. Hope you can relax for a few days mate.. Thinking of you . Ya not alone .. MM
planned on listening to some of my favorite music with my favorite drink before I go out as well.