Tick Tock….

I have finally reached my breaking point.  No one I know really understands me or what I’m dealing with.  I was diagnosed many years ago with Major Depressive Disorder.  Drugs and therapy have done nothing.  I have attempted suicide four times now, all of the attempts impulsive and poorly coordinated.  I checked myself into a psych ward one month ago for suicidal ideations.  I was there for one week and out of work for an additional week.  When I came back to work I found myself right back in the same hellhole I left when I admitted myself to the hospital.  I worked for two days and then abruptly quit.  Now I am jobless (for the first time in over twenty years) and have no real desire to move on with my life.  There is no taste, no pleasure, just dry and miserable nothingness.  My family and friends have no idea that I have been doing nothing for the past several weeks except planning my goodbye.  They check in.  I lie.  “Yeah, work is fine.”  Whenever I see them I put on my happy face.  The whole production is so exhausting.  My bills are paid up for the rest of December. After that there is just no money.  And, again….there is no desire whatsoever to go looking for another job.  I have no degree.  All I have is well over ten years of experience doing something that only serves to drive life out of me.

I will use helium.  I have already planned it out.  Next Wednesday evening I will put on some good music and check out.

I just needed to get all of this out before the end comes.