My method is prepared. It’s been sitting beside me under a blanket for around one week. I’m going to stay for Christmas but will not be here for the New Year. Right now I’m aiming for Monday evening.
I mentioned in a previous post that I suffer from depression. I’ve made three suicide attempts in my life and they have all failed because they were impulsive. It sounds silly, but failing all those times makes me feel even more worthless. I’ve done a lot of research since the last attempt. I’ve practiced and made this (what I hope to be) final attempt as fool-proof as possible. I have to do it this time. I have to. I have no job. I have no way to pay rent for the upcoming month. I have no desire to look for another job. I have no desire to live.
It’s been one month since I quit my job. In that time I have only left my apartment three times. The idea of leaving fills me with panic and dread. I get nervous just talking to people now. I’m so afraid that people can see through the facade. I’ve avoided friends. I’ve tried to avoid just about everything.
I’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of talking myself into believing that this life is for me. I’m tired of the feeling that I’m only keeping myself here for the benefit of friends and family. I’m just tired.
I’m confident that my method will work. I have to be….I have no choice. It has to work. If it doesn’t then I’m afraid that I will resort to one of the half-ass methods I used for previous attempts and all that will do is land me right back in the hospital. That will accomplish nothing.
Everything is empty. Everything is numb. I just want to turn the lights out.
1 comment
I know how you feel. Ive been searching this sight looking for people who feel about the same as i do. Ive dealt with my depression since i was little. Because of that, i knew of suicide at a very young age. I was just too weak minded to do it. Now that I’m older and have the strength to do it, currently im stuck at that point you are or were..Panic, here for the benefit of my family. The pain my mother will have, my brother and sister most of all….i have a great relationship with all of them, but these past few days I’ve been able to block out all those feelings and emotions and just focus on what needs to be done…im sorry for you. I don’t “feel sorry” for you as people say when they don’t understand. Im sorry for the pointless pain and wish it wasn’t like this. For you, for any of us. Thanks for sharing