So it’s Christmas. I have a heart condition and MS (I am only in my 30s). I can’t work so I live with my mom and the rest of my family ignores me or outright hates on me because I take moms attention from them. So now it’s Christmas. We have no money. I can deal with no gifts — not one, not even a candy cane filled with m & ms. I can deal with no calls to say hi because I’m used to it. What I can’t deal with is shopping for groceries and having my moms card declined (we are just over the income level for food stamps) and having to leave the store without food and, when I cry on the way home because I’m sick, alone constantly, and have nothing (not even boots for winter in Erie PA) having my Mom tell me I make her life hell. Why am I alive? I am a burden, I hurt all of the time, I don’t matter to anyone, and I make no difference in the world. Everyone, including me, would be better off if I were dead.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
5 comments
I’m in a very similar situation to yours, I feel these same things. I tell myself it’s not true, I’m doing the best I can, everyone deserves a chance at happiness, etc… I have others tell me the same things, at least one even wholeheartedly meaning it. But I still feel it, and to put it as simply as possible, it fucking sucks.
Gotta admit, though I feel it’s a little fucked up considering the circumstances, it does give me a small sense of relief knowing there’s someone else out there fighting a similar fight and reacting in a similar way. Makes it feel a little more rational, I guess. I hope it does for you too.
I am working on trying to get approved for disability payments, I figure taking money from the government is better than bleeding my family dry. I’d held off for a long time, thinking it would get better, doctors would actually figure something out, not wanting to be labeled. But whether I like it or not, whether the government decides to agree or not, I’m disabled, and it’s not going to miraculously change.
I don’t know if this is something you’ve tried or considered, but what have you got to lose, right?
My family hates my guts or they just tolerate me when they want something from me, my useless, jobless, slacker husband joined a ridiculous cult that doesn’t believe in Christmas or any other “personal” celebrations. I have to work tomorrow (Christmas eve) and also on Sunday and Monday and all of the next two weeks. I just want to punch in the face every person that wishes me a merry Christmas, or it makes me want to just break down and sob. I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself, but there seems to be no end to it. It sucks, but I have to say there is one thing that would make me feel a whole lot better – sending you something for Christmas. Thinking that someone, anyone, would be just the slightest bit happier because of something I did would make me feel like less of a worthless piece of crap. It won’t be much because I don’t have much. But, I would be happy to send you something nice or silly or just warm. Would you allow it? It is sort of a half-assed selfish thing to ask on my part, and it is absolutely not me feeling sorry for you. It is me thinking that it would be nice to feel good about doing something nice.
Sounds like he become a Jehovah’s Witness?
Ok, I guess not. Welll if nothing else maybe enjoy some internet porn and hot chocolate.
I understand everything your saying, it’s an awful thing to feel like a burden to someone, I also hurt all the time.