That sudden wave of hope that hit me the other day? Yeah. Its fucking gone. Fuck that. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck them. Fuck me.
Trying really hard to maintain my composure. Just isnt going well tonight. I could really use a kick in the ass.. Or a brick to the face… Or a bullet to the head. Im stuck somewhere between wanting to die and wanting to make things better for myself. Its a constant back and forth and its really messing with my head. I dont belong on this site.. But i dont belong in this fucking world either.
Did i say fuck enough? No?
FUCK.
6 comments
Fuck dude, my fucking mind is always going back and forth too. Fuck!
I fucking know! Fuck this fucking bull fucking shit. Fuck.
Fucking hope! Fucking coming and going! I’m sick of hope and their fucking love-hate relationship!
Don’t feel bad Sammi, I’ve had those days too. Some days I felt like life was going to be great, other days I wanted to die.
Remember it’s a process, not an endpoint. You took your first step to reclaiming your life so naturally there will be days where you’ll give back those gains. But keep at it and you’ll get better and better. Two steps forward, one step back.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself either. To use myself as an example, I’ve fallen into a very bad sleep pattern, like nothing I’ve ever experienced in my life before. Usually in the past I could get myself back to normal, but it’s been a real struggle.
However I realized it’s not going to happen in one day, it’s going to take time because I’ve been in this habit for many months…so bit by bit I’m getting it under control. Actually it’s critical that I do since I’m self-employed and need to work within a set schedule and I need to be razor-sharp mentally for my work, which hinges on adequate sleep, there’s fudge-factor in what I do.
Anyhow, keep it up-don’t beat yourself up for falling now and then. As Einstein once said “A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.” All the best.
Edit-there is no fudge-factor…
Everyone belongs on this site, except the haters.
I know the ping-ponging is bad, but believe me, it has nothing to do with what’s going on in the world. The sun sets and rises, people commute to horrible jobs, parents love and yell at their kids, horrible people do horrible things, good people save the world one little piece at a time.
And regardless of where your head is at, you are still human, you are worth knowing, worthy of love and respect… just because.
I know these words may seem little comfort between the rage and tears, but maybe once you hear them enough perhaps you will take them to heart.
You are a Christmas miracle, like me. Of all the random atoms strewn across the universe some came together to be you. You are brighter than a star. You are darker than a black hole. You are more mysterious than a something mysterious like a typewriter crossed with a glockenspiel except I don’t know what that is so use your imagination for this one, OK? You are happier than a clam. You are sadder than an empty paper bag.
You are many things and in the fullness of time you will experience most of them. Where you are at now is simply another step on the path, another stitch in the grand tapestry.
Look your pain squarely in the eye and see how impermanent it is. Your pain is like a puffer fish, trying to look big and threatening when it’s actually small and stinky. Feel it, yes, but don’t give it power over you.
Know I am here, like so many others here; we understand, we’ve been there, are currently there, and will no doubt return there. That’s OK, it’s called being human.