Yet again I gave resignation from my job. It might be the blunder of my life because if the website I’m now entirely dependent on closes down or bans me for some reason (Donald Trump might just make them do it, me being a foreign worker on that US based site) I’ll be rendered workless. I know it won’t be the end of the world, but I’ve found that I cannot work anywhere where I feel my independence is inhibited, and that’s basically everywhere. Why can’t I? If somebody is paying me, which is bringing me food on the table and making me survive, I should be able to make this little compromise. I know what’s good for my long term future, but I’m not able to make that choice. My decisions are entirely based on what I’m feeling and seeing now. Blurred vision that can’t see 3 feet beyond itself. And I’m basing my life on that. It’s my nihilism working, I know that. To watch myself deteriorate, go into a hole, like the Underground Man. Why did I read that novel?
A job holds such importance in my mind because of the feeling of worthlessness my parents instigated into me as a child. I want to prove to myself that I am not worthless. I can’t get over this feeling, it is an ingredient part of me. And I know I will end up jobless. It is my paradoxical life, Destiny, Circle completion, Tao. I don’t want to and want to at the same time. I am doing everything to fuck my chances.
2 comments
I read a lot of confusion in your post. Pleasing your parents, fitting into society, versus being who you are. And doubting yourself.
Unlike a few movie stars, you won’t get rich by being who you are. But that’s the route I’ve gone and I have no regrets. I’ve struggled, believe me. I’ve felt all is hopeless, wanted to give up, even die.
Yet independence and finding myself and being true to that self are worth more than money or what some call ‘success.’
Thank you Vedura. That means a lot to me.