Change

In advance, I’m sorry. This is just me talking about whatever and trying to understand what I need to do. It helps that many of you can see where I’m coming from. It just helps to “talk” it out sometimes.

one thing I’ve come to realize over the course of this past year is how obsessed with change that I am.

I know many don’t like the idea of change, they want to stay around the same people and even the same city or state, having the same routine, but I’ve never been quite like that. I guess it’s because I got used to moving around schools, eventually homes, and never stayed with friends for too long until I made new ones.

If I’m being real the only constant I’ve ever had in my life is my best friend of three years, who I now believe doesn’t want anything to do with me which is unfortunate, but it’s life.

anyway, I don’t know.. it drives me crazy staying with the same people, going to the same school, and just the same routine every. single. day.

It’s like.. I don’t really know how to explain it well, but it feels like I’m stuck.

A year ago DHR took me out of my home and it has been the same old thing for a year now and I find myself literally getting angry.

I know I will be 18 in under a year so I am not that far off from graduating and going to college.

and now I have also enrolled in a program that allows me to do my school work and then afterwards, I work at theirmanufacturing plant where they also have school (it is supposed to be mainly for adolescents who cannot stay focused on just simply graduating, trying to decrease drop out rates).. so I also get a job, get paid, and that is great! I’m really, really looking forward to it because it is CHANGE, ya know?

Plus it will keep me busy so I do not dwell in my own thoughts which, I believe, is my downfall.. thinking way too much.

I have had a job before and I remember I absolutely loved it because it was constant change, I wasn’t always doing the same thing, I worked different shifts so I got to know different people, and all in all.. I didn’t have time to think. That was SO good for me.

so, yeah, change has always been a big thing for me.. I cannot stay in the same thing or area for a few months until I want something else lol and I guess in a lot of ways that can be bad, but change always excited me and makes me really happy.

also, about my best friend, I’m giving it three days. I’ve noticed I’ve been a little too over attached when he’s wanted me to be distant, though he hasn’t said that..I can see it.

Today is number one without me talking to him at all and goodness, it sucks because all I get so worried lol especially with the fact that he’s in the Marines, constantly moving, and is now going to college starting Wednesday.

I will not be communicating with him and I told him “if you want to talk, then you can be the one to call me up” because, ya know, sometimes we need to see effort coming from the other side.

We did break up a month ago, I hadn’t wanted to tell anyone because he said he was still working out thoughts and my, he’s a wonderful person.. but I feel his love may be fading for me, if that makes sense.. it gives me the most horrible feeling. Especially after almost three years of constant love. I feel empty in a lot of ways and I’m not quite sure how to let go of this or if I even need to.

I’ve poured my heart out and gave all I could and honestly, that’s all I can do. Now I’m putting it on him to decide because I cannot be stuck in this any longer. It is emotionally draining and absolutely sucks.

His parents are actually really leaning towards us having a future together because he had told them a long while back he was going to pursue this and they love me. They are precious people. My parents also love him and his family. We have done so much, gave our all to each other even though it was against our “rules” set up for ourselves before we met, and have made so many memories.

It’s not that easy to let something like that go. All in all, He is a wonderful man, the most brilliant Marine I know, and is going to extraordinary in college. He inspires me. He’s doing a lot better than I believe I could ever do in my life.

I just hope he can look at me and see me as the girl he still wants and if he cannot, then I hope he will find whatever he is looking for and is happy in that decision.

I’ve done all I can do. Now it is time for me to lay back, give space, and clear my mind.