I’m not depressed, or ill, or disabled; I have a job, friends, a home. I want to die.
I was a kid who never did fit anywhere; single parent poverty, bad estate and high functioning autism made sure kids, especially girls, didn’t like me. Primary education I hated. So boring. As a teenager school was easy and being top of English made life simple. But people liked me for what I did, not who I was. Scars ran deep.
I turned down my First Love as my home life was a joke( my Mother married a chronic alcoholic). Maybe my biggest regret. Hurt for years. I never realised my potential. Barely attended college. Got a position in a major Government Dept at 19 and was the youngest in its history to hold it. But I was immature; missed home, felt alienated in the city so resigned. Dating was a joke- Thank God for hookers. Girls showed no interest- I could stand in clubs for hours and never be approached. Telephone dating was more miss than hit with few second dates.
Got in a five year relationship- went to Part Time courses with her and was talked into going to University as I did so well. She cheated on me-3 Times-I ended it. Never scored once at University. Never lived up to my potential though I graduated. Felt ugly and second rate so drank too much. But sobered up after graduation. Had to work also to support my family(Mother/Brother). Little time or money for extra activities.
Joined Police- never truly liked it much though I was good. Quite a few disliked me despite my impressive stats. Made the classic error of getting involved with a colleague I fell in love with.Who used me to get her Ex back. Then avoided me. I’d left my girlfriend so as to be ‘fair’. Then that same colleague got caught doing something and blamed me. I resigned in disgust just shy of my 5 year anniversary. Moved back home and rebuilt my life- even started a social club. Made friends but couldn’t date as a result of the above. Just had fun. Got a council job I really enjoyed for years – then I rejected a woman who then set out to get me fired, along with her friends. My mother had a stroke and took 9 months to die. I had a breakdown and the situation at work worsened, leading to a manager nearly punching me and two camps aligned with me or her. Things worsened. I had to leave.
Started again. Within a year got a good Government job. Good colleagues, easy work, great conditions. A much younger girl, stunningly pretty, made it clear she liked me from the start. I made my next big mistake. I ignored her. After everything it seemed wise. But my attraction grew as hers waned – now we’re pretty alienated.
People there call me intelligent and wise. I feel neither. I feel like a fraud. Everyone likes me bar the one I really want to. Typical. I know that was my last, best chance at 46. Blew it. I’ll always be second rate and second best. Last year I decided to end it with N. Joined EXIT and imported from their Chinese supplier. Took 15g with anti-emetics, Oramorph and alcohol. Survived and went through Hell in ICU. Brother and friends rallied round, as did work. They thought it was a stroke.
I recovered amazingly quickly- no lasting damage. I lost two stone and hit the gym to recuperate. Best shape now in years. Women notice me- now when it no longer matters. Ironic. I wished I had succeeded – tired of hearing about this unwanted ‘miracle’. I gathered legal drugs to end it all- planned my final weekend. That Friday my house caught fire and destroyed most of my stash. Living room destroyed. For 3 weeks I was a refugee in my own Life. Now I have a flat while my house is repaired.
I’ll end it all here. I’ve seen psychiatrists, nurses, crisis team, sessions with a counsellor, 2 doctors and a Locum and even a Police intervention. I’d to my best friend my intention(couldn’t be his Best Man now) and he spread it. My Brother has disowned me as weak. He thinks I’m being looked after by something/one. All agree I’m not mentally ill or even depressed- put it down to ‘Cognitive Disorder’. I just remember being so peaceful and happy the first time, ready to die. Slept happily after dosing. Then again in ER when I felt myself slip away into blackness.
I feel this Life is empty- no viable option attracts me. It feels vaguely revolting to be here. I am always somehow able to fail despite my aptitude. No-Win situations are rife. This girl at work exemplifies this- what I want I can never have. Like she’s there just to remind me I don’t belong here. My living this long is a mistake. I just wish to cease to exist- to leave on my own terms and time of my choosing. It’s about control- the only true control I have that matters. Maybe only I think like this. But I hope others know these thoughts they may have aren’t bad or wrong- they may be right in the circumstance.
I’m Finished.
Edit: Thanks for all the sincere Kindness.
It’s been nice to have it- and I hope all you fellow travellers find your own path of peace whichever road you take.
14 comments
This is LITERALLY ME! And the more I’m on this site, it seems like there’s no point in waiting so long to kill myself anyway.
Seriously?
Honestly, if your Life has been as screwed as mine then you have my sympathies.
I have almost all I need for simple CNS depression.
I wish you well in whatever you decide.
Able to relate on many levels. Appreciate your sharing your story. Wish I was in a place where I could help.
Thank You for the offer but I think it’s too late for that.
Leaving my Life is the only true control I have over it.
I just wish I had been succesful last year.
It is difficult to tell sometimes, that which is rational from that which is rationalized. Most people don’t worry about the distinction, but if it is a rational suicide, then the timing becomes problematic, doesn’t it? Is it rational to exit right away or is it rational to wait a period of time, try a new tact, a different medication, religion, mental exercise, philosophy, and so on.
Still, I get it. Truly.
I see what you mean- but it’s now been a year since I set about planning to kill myself and my intent is still strong.
Tried Therapy, exercise, even prayer and honestly it doesn’t change my outlook.
I think the girl at work has been a catalyst- Im not getting any younger, things aren’t getting any better and the damage done is too deep.
As I said, I feel I’m playing a rigged game and my best option is simply to leave the table.
But I truly Thank You for your kind words.
That was a fascinating story. I couldn’t hold my breath reading it. What are you made of? it’s freaking incredible to stand through so much.
Leaving the fact that – you are a freaking superman- aside, you have failed to succeed two “obstacles” ; finding love, and seeing through adulthood.
Your great burden is a great example for the new obstacles a person meets when reaching 50s. You keep blaming yourself for not finding the one, and thus increasing your grave, leaving you there to stand in your own lone created forest with a readily “fresh” grave. Therefor feeling to seek death increases.
You were intelligent enough to gently pick women /RS partners thru your life, but you never fought your boundaries to ask out that girl from work.
You are clearly qualified to achieve what ever you want in your life. You aren’t autistic, you can’t be with such a great conscienceness about yourself. You were clearly affected by other things thru your childhood that weren’t your fault.
I bet you can stand up and aim for goals. I bet you can change your world right now, by deciding to fight it off. I bet you have the freaking balls to ask that girl out.
Good luck.
you can do it.
I agree with everything Urm said, you are truly resilient. Whatever your choice is, thank you for sharing your story.
Thank You- it’s others like yourself saying it that maker realise I’m not just feeling sour grapes. It was just my Life.
When you’re in a nightmare it’s just everyday reality to you.
I thought I had Thanked You for such a deep, sincere reply but I hadn’t.
So here it is- Thank You!
Lovely imagery that made me think- I think all my Life I’ve Ben digging my grave in the woods.
Goodness knows I spent enough time walking through my local woods when younger.
But I think the chance to turn or change things has passed. I really yearn to sleep forever. I don’t want to play any more.
Thank s for a great reply – I wish you the best in everything.
You are welcome.
Re consider this idea.
Try to knowledge your comfort zone and do things to expand it. Perhaps flying abroad for a 7 days vacation all alone?
Thanks but I’ve tried much of that.
As I said above I think I’ve just reached the natural end.
This girl at work is a catalyst that makes me realise my limits.
I’m arranging my body be left to science- at least my end brings some good.
Thanks Again.
well, if so, what are you doing to with your inherent ?
Sorry? My ‘inherent’?
Bit of a language barrier I’m afraid.