I’ve gained another 3 pounds. What the fuck?! I saw this really thin girl today, and I felt horrible. I asked my family why I have been gaining, and they said, “Don’t worry about it; you’re really thin.” So annoying. Like always, whenever I see any other girl, I think that they’re pretty and I am so, so ugly. I haven’t cried for the last week and a half, just felt dead, but yesterday and today I cried. I cried falling asleep, I cried when I woke up, I cried when I realized for the billionth time that I am nobody and that I can’t be who I want to be and I don’t know who I am. Nothing to look forward to. I have trust issues-I compulsively lie even when I don’t need to, because I don’t trust anyone and this means I have nobody to talk to-not that anybody would talk to me even if I trusted them. Literally, the world doesn’t know I exist. People are friendly to my family, but I remain the unimportant, shy, weird wallflower. Not really here. It must have been some cruel cosmic joke when I was born. Well, I hope you’re fucking laughing, world.
4 comments
You sound like you might have body dysmorphic disorder. Have you thought about speaking to your doc or a nutritionist? They will be able to help you with losing weight and if you don’t need to they may be able to identify that and you may be able to get the help you need, either way it won’t hurt to ask.
Muscle weighs more than fat, so maybe its muscle. And muscle is better than fat, it looks nicer. Please don’t worry about gaining weight. As long as you eat healthy, and your body is healthy, be happy. Please.
Here’s the problem: I literally can’t share anything with anyone. I am completely trapped inside myself. Also, I don’t trust my doctor, and my family is under the impression that I’m really thin and don’t need to lose weight. 🙁
so….yea.. no.. just no, if you sat right here i would shake you to try and put some sense in you while screaming wake up
the whole thing with body dysmorphic disorder is you are actually delusional, making what you think factual wrong, inarguable, and goes beyond “opinion”
so if your doctor, and the people around you are telling you, you are actually thin, maybe thats why, or maybe they are being nice, concerned,
could be hormones, medication (you’d be surprised how much weight you can gain on some meds, yay), could even be pregnancy? or some aliens abducted you and implanted probes and replicating nanites inside you.
BUT, lucky for you, that shit is easy to check, since we invented scanners, tests, scales, tables, diagrams, thingymabobs and macguffins
so if you go and test that stuff out, and you reject those findings if they don’t align up with your own opinion, well then you have your answer, and know which mental horse to ride and break in first
if it turns out neither was right, and you just fall into the common category of societal imposed body issues, then you can beat that horse
and if it turns out that you were in fact right, that every science and medical knowledge and facts agrees with you, well you can start to sue your doctor make bank, and file charges against your family for neglect and harmful intent, if they have some sort of weird torture/fetish trying to slowly fatten you up to serve you as dinner for their friends
body image issues comes in many forms and is of course one of the most common things in our lovely cover magazine societies, especially among young females, since they usually got targeted early on that appearances should align up so and thusly in accordance with what a guy in italy, a woman in france, a couple in US and so on says
while the BMI scale is far from perfect, it’s an easy check to get a rough estimate where one is before going further if necessary
but if you have severe anorexia, or BDD, it likely won’t matter shit to you, coming from experience living and being in treatment with several others that would flat out reject factual scientific/medical findings about how their body actually was (screwed) healthy or not, making it that harder to break through to them mentally
and since you have trust+truth issues it doesn’t make it easier for yourself, so maybe thats the horse you start on first, so eventually you can trust whatever findings you learn about your body, and trust a couple of people in general
only way you will get out from being trapped inside yourself is to eventually open up,
starting with someone that has a legal mandated confidentiality can be a safer/comfier alternative to blurting out stuff to a friend/family member you dont trust, but you have to open up to get out from under yourself and whatever is going on with your body or not.
PS: BDD is no joke, some people have done serious harmful shit to themselves under the delusion they looked wrong/misshapen, but body image issues in general shouldn’t be taken too lightly either