You know, “family” is such a wretched word for me. I don’t understand why people who call themselves family behave in ways that are so bizarre that if any other person did these things I probably wouldn’t put up with it, it’s disgusting, disturbing and all of the above vile. Why is this kind of family worth fighting for? I mean it’s one thing if they were nice before,but even then the behavior is still toxic and very wrong, however I feel like in my case that has always been a very fine line of me waiting for the next horrible event to occur or cruel word. There is always some vile word coming from their mouth or some nasty accusation or verbal attack or just an attack on your person. Apparently I can do no right most of the time. It’s like only filth comes out of their mouth. I really tempted at times to tell them to f*uck off because they are not as important to the universe as they think they are or as benevolent either. I am tired. Very tired of this emotional, mental and psychological warfare. It has been going on for MOST of my life. At what point is enough? Enough?
THEN they try to bring LOVE into it for convenience. I am doing it for you…. Oh my goodness how delusional do you have to be.NO. It’s not delusional. It’s just straight up lying.It’s bullshitting. I feel like “these” people want to keep me in a state of self-doubt, co-dependence and incompetence, while at the same time saying differently at times thus keeping you in a state of torturous limbo where you can’t quite move forward or stay in the same place in terms of growth. Honestly, I don’t think they care what comes out of their mouths or what they do because as long as they go to church and pray to God no matter how vile their actions it’s okay, because God won’t mind. God doesn’t care. I just hate the way my heart feels so brittle and strained from all of this nonsense. I honestly think I have come not only to resent these people, but my emotions are strongly, if not already have tipped into hatred. I am not a saint, maybe not even a good person, but this is just so wrong and f*cked up. I don’t think I can love people like this the way some other people do. I am sorry I am not one of those people. I wish I was, but in place where change is about as forthcoming as pigs flying I just can’t do this much longer or maybe I have been done for a long time….I just can’t anymore.
There are moments when I get so angry and saddened just thinking about it all. LOVE is such a wretched emotion when given to the wrong people. I feel like a bird locked in a small cage encapsulated by many and much larger cages….trapped it seems like forever. Every time I open one door there lays another locked door waiting for me. Sometimes I want to cry, but I don’t, not anymore…my tears have never done anything for me except leave me feeling weak and hopeless – waste of time. I feel like “these” people want to break you, so that they can stand over you gloating, “See I WAS RIGHT. You will never escape the web I have weaved to ensnare you, and I will always have the power to crush you.” Gosh how sick is this… We’ve all said our share of horrible things to each other, but as the years go by I realize that they are probably not going to stop, and even as I have scaled back… I am constantly targeted. I don’t even know what this is anymore. It’s just sick and wrong. Punishment? For what, existence or just because you can I mean know ones watching right, so who cares you don’t have to treat or facilitate human decency…
P.S- Sorry, if this is a bit of a rant.