I have managed to get what I wanted to get. I’m living alone, on my own, isolated from people (except for 1 or 2 short interactions with sellers). Earning decent income from an online site. I no longer feel worthless. God, I hated that feeling. I know my self sufficiency is not long term, but a moment of it is worth a lifetime. For once I’ve proved myself and that’s enough. Whatever happens after will be a different story.
I feel more hollow than ever. I feel more dead than ever. Strange how things change. As a child I used to long very much for a certain candy and used to think that when I grow up and have money I would buy it in kilos and eat whole day. Now that I have money, why don’t I fulfill that wish? What changed? It is the same change now. Damn illusory life. Always gets me.
Maybe I just have to admit that problem is me and not something outside. My mind has degraded into jelly from purposelessness. It is useless. I’m stubborn and can see hints of stubbornness of old age. I am capable of thinking only thoughts that are already stuck in my brain. Nothing new or fresh.
A sort of loathing always surrounds me. I have lost my aim, my direction of life. I used to think that if I ever managed to live on my own, I would dedicate my entire time to meditation and seeking enlightenment. I should do that now. My savings can last an entire year. A year is more than enough. But it just doesn’t happen anymore. What stops me? Laziness has engulfed me. Maybe I was never a true seeker. Maybe all my being ever wanted was to become a bum, but was hiding its true desire behind lofty dreams and aims.
I am nothing. I am nothing. It is my unbounded pride and vanity that seeks all these high things. I inherited it from my mother. Her pride knows no bounds and blinds her totally. It is same with me. But inside, inside I’m just a coward. A brave person doesn’t think so much. He mostly acts. While all I do is think. Maybe I wasn’t meant for it, this whole enlightenment thing. I’m like the main character of ‘Crime and Punishment’ who wanted to become a Napoleon but soon realised he was simply nowhere near that breath and depth. Buddha was son of a king, a kshatriya. He was brave, he had the courage to seek and see his inner demons eye to eye. I also come from kshatriya/warrior clan but that was a long time ago. Perhaps that’s why I have desire in me to do brave acts like Buddha but my inner character and bravery is simply nowhere near him. I should know my place but my pride doesn’t let me.
I am a despicable person.
5 comments
You’re not a “despicable person” at all, quaero. I’ve read almost all your posts over the years, you’ve been on here around as long as I have. I love hearing what you have to say, and I find most of your posts mirror my own mental landscape as well.
I know it’s a cliche thing to say, but try being a little less hard on yourself. I think, from what you post about your life, that you’re closer then you think to what you seek.
Thanks Diem. I remember you from old times. I didn’t know that someone can relate to what I write. It is so good to hear. I get slightly embarrassed when I realize that I’ve been here for 3 and a half years. But without this place I don’t what would have happened to me.
Well, you post here, which tells me you are insightful and introspective which is a step towards enlightenment, isn’t it? I don’t know you from Adam, but I know plenty of people who would just write off SP as “some sort of stupid site for weirdos” as they return to their mindless pursuit of nothing. You seek something, or you wouldn’t be here. Enlightenment has no scheduled syllabus, it waits for discovery. But we do have to do the work. Do what you can, when you can, and it will add up. You’ll never be Buddha. Accept that, but learn what you can. You know, when I was a kid and was having Christianity shoved down my throat, we were told we had to read 15 chapters of the Bible every day in order to learn the word of god. I had the concentration of a door stop. I couldn’t read 2 chapters, and naturally assumed satan was on his way to drag me to hell because I wasn’t meeting some ridiculous expectation. It’s not important to do everything, but it is important to do something. I personally believe in the approach of reading a little and retaining it as opposed to reading everything and forgetting it, because in MY old age, I now have the attention span of a piece of lint, and that’s what works best for me. Put aside your pride, if I may respectfully say that to you, and know your limitations, and work WITH them, not against them. Do something that you feel to be advancing your approach to enlightenment, but don’t shove it down your own throat because you feel that is the only way. Here’s a stupid joke involving animal sex that hopefully, will better display my point:
A papa bull and his son are standing on a hill, overlooking a pasture full of cows, and the son says “Hey dad, let’s RUN down there and nail one of those cows.” Papa bull says “No, son – let’s WALK down there, and nail them ALL.”
It’s better to approach spiritual growth slowly, I believe. Things will change, it takes time and patience.
Chip – Lots of good advice here !
LOL about the bull and the cows joke 😀
Not sure if you know it but they also told that joke in the movie “Colors” from the 80’s (Sean Penn, Robert Duvall).
Dude your living the dream but your too distracted by your nightmares to enjoy it. I feel your pain