so it’s been forever since i’ve been here.
i try to stay away, but no matter what i do i always end up on here. i tried to kill my self a few days ago. i haven’t gotten in to any college and my family makes me feel like a failure. my father is kicking me out and my mom is on drugs, but i’m most concerned with falling in love with one of my closest friends.
he he is absolutely amazing. his sense of humor is absolutely perfect, his smile makes me happy, and being around him as a whole just makes me feel so much better. i’m not physically attracted to him, but i want to be. i know he likes me, and i know that he would make me happy. i’m just so afraid that i’ll mess up our friendship.
i think i love him, but these conflicting feelings make me doubt how i feel. i love being around him and i love how he talks and his eyes are just amazing. i wish things wouldn’t be complicated. i also don’t want my ptsd to complicate anything either.
i want to be honest with him. i think he would understand me, but i just don’t know.
he makes me better, but i fear i may make him worse. and i would rather just cut myself until i can convince myself i don’t love him. help.
2 comments
I’d suggest trying to look at the bigger picture and prioritize the issues in your life. First and foremost you need a place to stay-unless you’re working it’d be best to try to remain at your family’s house. Come up with a plan to get your education, talk to your father and tell him you’re not in a position to move out yet. However if he’s is inflexible and unreasonable, then you need to make alternate arrangements.
If you need to get your own place, find a job then that should be your focus above all else. Once you’ve settled your income situation, then you can think about relationships. I’ve been there so I know how it is-the desire to be with/date someone will always be there, however if your life is unstable then it’ll put a huge strain on your relationship and can sometimes destroy a good thing.
If you end up living with someone you date and are not self-sufficient, you’re at their mercy. They could grow sick of you, cheat, throw you out in the worst case. It’s very rare to find a person who does not let you down, who truly cares for you, esp. in our day and age where many people are selfish and petty. Once you no longer need to rely on anyone but yourself, you’ll have the freedom to walk away if things go South.
I recall when I was in a similar situation-I had little to offer and it took me a long time to get myself stable. Also if I ended getting married/having kids, I’d be a slave in a job I hated, supporting a family that I’d probably regretted because I always want to go further in life. Which is why I’m glad I never took that road. Once I do reach my goals I’ll be in an great position to have a family if I chose to and I’ll retain my independence and freedom and not be stuck in a job I hated and couldn’t escape from. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
behindthescene – what day2day said. also, Love is Love, and everyone I Love has the most amazing eyes/laugh/smile/humor etc. Feeling that way doesn’t mean they have to be romantic, and being romantic doesn’t have to be sexual. I have a friend with whom I have an “intellectual romance”. It was never sexual, and it took me almost a year after meeting her to realize that I just Love her through and through, and there is nothing to DO about it. I am In Love with her, and there is no particular sexual attraction despite her obvious conventional beauty. Something to consider before taking that leap.