It’s been 6 months

Very well written post, liked it a lot. Feels like a strange thing to say considering how dark your story is, but you’re good at writing. Perhaps that’s a tendency for us, mentally ill people, to be able to express ourselves vividly in words and art…

Anyway, I know your pain. I’ve fallen in love oh so many times, and it’s always been so difficult, because there have never been a single time that it was mutual. Except, for one time. Rather recently actually, it was during 2016. It never went beyond theory and talk, but basically she said that she was “interested” from day 1 of meeting me, but that I never got her flirting hints so she never went forward with it. And by the time she told me all this, she was kind of… Unsure as to wether she wanted to move forward with it or not. She was beautiful and interesting, almost like a dream girl. So the fact that she was seeminly interested made me happy beyond measure. It was like I finally found love. Yet… It didn’t end up so well. While she was busy being unsure, I became more and more obsessed with her. One evening we spent some time talking about this, and I basically for the first time told her about my growing feelings for her. Just as I had mustred up the courage to say it, and said it – she had to leave, and run to the bus. She never “answered” my feelings that evening. I was left in a state of complete and utter chaos, a mental breakdown of sorts.

I was unable to get a hold of her on her phone or anything, it was like she didn’t want to give me a clear answer of wether she was interested enough to move forward with it or not. That evening I ran home, beating my fists against concrete walls, wishing I had the courage to step out on the trainrail… As soon as I got home, I took out the kitchen knife and started cutting my arms like mad. Before this, I had never hurt myself before. I ended up calling a cab, and by midnight I was hospitalized in an emergency psych ward with 15-min surveilance on me, to prevent self-harm/suicide. I was also put on some mild sedative, but it hardly helped.

After that it just went downhill. I wrote extremely long messages to her, constantly trying to get some kind of clear answer out from her, but to no avail. It never got anywhere, and a few months after this we lost contact alltogether. I think it’s more complex than I make it out to be – and I certainly do not put any blame on her for all this. She was probably just as much of a victim in all this as I was. In the end, these series of events marked the start of me getting the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Before this I basically just had depression, but after this the symptoms of BPD began to become very evident. I had many of those symptoms before, but in more subtle ways.

Love is really painful. Even mutual, happy love will/can eventually end up in despair. Sooner or later one will lose all their loved ones, and one will stare blindly out of the window from their rotting cabin. “Ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt”, “where are those who came before us”… Now, this doesn’t mean you won’t ever find love if you want it. You can certainly find love and be satisfied with it, but in that case you would need to work on your ability to cope with the emotional hardships that come with searching for love. Therapy might help with that. There are a lot of self-help groups when it comes to addiction to drugs, you could try going to one of those if you want help getting out of the addiction. There is always hope. I won’t paint up some bright future ahead of you, there might not be one, but you can most certainly learn to cope with the hardships that come with living. Best wishes.