March 20th, 2017by Black Monk
It has been 6 months since I broke up with my first love. She was my FIRST LOVE the first person the first girl I ever looked at in the eye, the first girl I let cry on my shoulders, the first one I shared an umbrella with, the only name I ever scratched on my desk. I can’t forget the day she told me that she liked me. I remember that day as it was yesterday….we had a fight….I told her things I shouldnt have….texted her that I didn’t want to see her face again and bid a farewell.She called me a few hours later…..she was crying.She told me something I shall never forget no matter how much I drink. I couldn’t sleep that night, her sweet words rang in my ears all night. And so our friendship blossomed into love.All went smooth for some time. Then one day she told me that she wanted no more than just friendship. The flower of love had just withered into a dead, rotten remnant of one.I felt a dull ache in my heart but convinced myself that we could make it work. That moment on the fights became more prolonged, misunderstandings more frequent, her silence more deafening. It continued for four months then she told me that she loved someone else. I couldn’t believe that. I wanted to talk with her but she wouldn’t listen. I did something wrong, I grabbed her hand a bit too hard….I just didn’t want to lose her. All our friends saw that. She got everyone convinced that I was abusing her and that justified the breakup. Ever since then my friends wont let me get near her, they wont talk to me on that matter, feels like I have been forsaken by all my friends. I took to smoking. That really didn’t help. I have tried suicide but never managed to go beyond writing the suicide note part and waiting at a railway station seeing trains go by……”Thats ones too slow it would hurt” or ” There are too many people here, if someone realises what i am up to before I can jump, they will lock me up in a mental asylum”. I couldn’t sleep at night so I experimented with Benzodiazepines to get sleep. Now I am addicted to lorazepam. I cannot live a day without at least 4 mg of that stuff. If I can’t get it my whole body aches especially my head. It feels as if I have no skull and that with every movement my brains are sloshing around inside…. I have lost my appetite almost completely. I have stopped being the functional human being I used to be 6 months ago. I don’t know how long it will last. It feels like what Vincent van Gogh said “la tristesse durera toujours” – The sadness will last forever………..It’s all fucking sick! She doesn’t even know about what I go through each day. If share my feelings with my friends about committing suicide they feel that I am emotionally blackmailing them. Int it ironical that I couldn’t sleep that night when she told me she loved me and now when she is somewhere far away happy with someone else , I still can’t sleep at night. I guess benzodiazepines don’t work at night though they can me sleep though the day. Something there is that enjoys seeing me cry silently at night! Every time I cross a busy street I wish to be run over by a car or bus, each time I go to the train station I want to jump on the tracks but I don’t want to bear the guilt although I know that I would be dead but I don’t like the idea of anyone calling me irresponsible as to never think of the sorrow I cause to my parents. I can’t choose between the guilt of death and the suffering of life. Its all fucking sick!! I guess I will be better dead than what I am now. My arms bear testimony to the ghastliness of my harrowed existence. And moreover, the world would be a happier place if all the sad people were to go………..right??