I’d wished I was a psychopath or something, because they don’t really… feel anything. And I don’t mean the ones who go about killing.
I hate that I’ve fallen in love with someone whom I may never have a chance with. I might, but I’ve learned to not get my hopes up. The ***** is he loves me too, but due to both our current situations… can’t be anything. More than friends, less than lovers. I hate it.
I’m not sure who of you suffer from ptsd, from whatever set of events… but because I have the joy of dealing with this demon… sleep, sound sleep, is something I wonder if I will ever have again.
For the grace of my siblings and possibly just because I love the torture… I am still alive. Not living, but alive nonetheless.
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perhaps someday you will be able to be with this person romantically… but why not today?
My current situation with my mental health is just, I don’t know… makes me a non functional adult.
With him, it’s just a complicated situation that I mostly blame myself for just allowing myself to love too fast without waiting until the right time. I don’t know why he loves me, with the broken mess I am.
You seem very honest. What I mean is, imagine the mess waiting to happen if you would pretend all is reasonably well with you when are around him, suck him deeply into a doomed relationship, when you know you can maintain healthy appearances for only so long, and then the truth comes out and the relationship tanks irretrievably. If you have any real chance with this guy (presuming he is sufficiently mentally healthy for your needs) it is your honesty giving you the best possible chance of a future with this fellow.
I know what you’re feeling. You think it was the right thing to do, but it hurts so much.
Yep. Shame we can’t feel numb, but yet… that’s not fun either.