The problem with cutting yourself off from society and attempting to opt out of the system is this: sooner or later, you will need someone to speak for you. Someone to confirm that you are in fact you, and not some impostor. And suddenly, things get horribly complicated, and you have to start admitting to complete strangers that you have none of the required markers of normalcy or adulthood.
No, I don’t have a driving license. Driving makes me anxious, and I can’t afford to run a car anyway. No utility bills, as all I purchase is food and other retail items. I haven’t been employed in a year, so no recent payslips, and no tax documents either. I’m living off my savings with family, so no letters from benefits agencies. I’ve only recently registered with a doctor, as I haven’t needed treatment, so no one knows me there. All tenancy agreements I’ve filled in have been online, so no printed record. My bank only issues statements every 6 months, so they’re already out of date. I haven’t had the money or inclination to travel, so no passport. I only use a pay as you go phone, so no bills. No friends, colleagues, or even acquaintances who have know me long enough to vouch for me. The few ties I’ve formed over the years have been cut and cut again as I’ve moved from place to place. I never wanted to maintain contact – I never wanted that reminder of who I’d been.
As far as society is concerned, I barely exist. I am a non-person. And that was how I wanted it. I didn’t want to have to deal with all the normal, customary shit that you do just because you feel you should. I didn’t want to have to deal with people, and building and maintaining relationships, and putting on a front so they didn’t see how fucked I am. I didn’t want to deal with the stress and anxiety that triggered in me. Thinking about dealing with it every day made me feel like life wasn’t worth living. So I took what seemed like the easier path. I cut off all forms of contact, wherever I could.
Unsurprisingly, that is now biting me in the ass. In fact it does it quite regularly. The system is built with the assumption that you’re not a hermit, lacking all the normal markers of adulthood. And unfortunately, no man is an island. From time to time, you find you need other peoples help. And suddenly, you’re confronted with the reality – that you’re barely a person. It becomes tangible. It’s something you have to engage with, to get the help you need. I hate it so much. All my feelings of worthlessness, validated through the view of a stranger. I’m not strong enough to take that. The self-hatred takes over.
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I’m thinking of walking the same path you did but i’m afraid what if i crave what i dont now later on and realise the youth is gone and am left with nothing but dispair. Any advice?
It’s hypocritical, but I’d say: don’t. As much as you can bear to, push yourself to fully engage while you’re still young. You can always disconnect later on, if you still feel that’s right for you. But then you’ll have a much wider range of experiences and resources to rely on.
Ok, so let me ask you:
What kind of living situation do you see for yourself long-term ? I’m guessing you’d want a place of your own, no matter how small.
If you really genuinely detest being around others that much, you could consider living self-sufficiently in a remote area where you’d only have to go into town every now and then to get groceries. That would require a bicycle, if not a car. I’d do this if it were a possibility for me.
I guess what I’m saying is – if your current reality is not the one you want long-term, why not work towards what you do want long-term ?
Again, where do you see yourself a year, 5 yrs, 10 yrs from now ?