New to this site! I am an almost 50 year old female. I have been trying to commit suicide off and on for about 10 years.
I don’t want to hear any “don’t do it”, “life is worth living”, “you’re fucked up”, etc. type of replies!!
I started my entire life as I knew it, virtually over, 10 years ago after being unhappy for approx. 5 years before that.
Nothing goes right! I take a step forward and am forced 3 steps back (or more!) I’ve been on anti-depressants (in increasing amounts), tried to commit suicide, I don’t know how many times (at least 7 or 8). I really want to die! And, I don’t want anybody telling me I should stay here, that life will get better. that I’m here for a reason (screw the reason, believed that too, but tired of waiting to see the reason). I can’t bring myself to shoot myself or to jump into traffic or off some high building or whatever. I’ve tried the carbon monoxide from the car about 3 times…nothing…just slept good…..tried the over the counter pills….about 4 times, only to wake up again and be EXTREMELY sick for a couple of days! Prayed for death more nights than I can remember (God has a sick sense of humor!)
And here I am, still, not wanting to wake up, praying to die…not having the courage to do it in a painful, grotesque manner and not being able to succeed in other ways so far.I don’t have anything left to give…I thought, at one point, I was here to help some others, but even if that were true, how long and how much am I to suffer to fulfill something I don’t understand and …whatever….
I’m extremely worse off than ever…financially, mentally, physically…and I just want it to end! Please tell me what I can do to achieve that……I have threatened not only my own life but lives in my family because I don’t know what else to do to relieve the pain but to drink…and pass out…..but sometimes …it becomes more. I don’t want to be in an institution and embarrass my family or be there….because it’s just not gonna help…except to prevent me from killing myself…..I just don’t care anymore….I need to just go…….are there any drugs I can take…that will do the job without me just waking up..sick…again….maybe God doesn’t want me to die yet and that is why…but I am at the point where I say “f**k God”….tired of waiting..don’t care….just let me go…..can’t take it anymore…and to my children and family, even though they can’t see the extreme I am putting in this post…..I only look worse and worse and behave worse and worse…and become less loving…..and less of a family…this way……please just help me “go”…it can’t be any worse for them ….unless  I keep living…
3 comments
I’m 18 and I’ve been living with that feeling you have all my life, seriously, want to die, don’t have the courage, I get strong headaches and can’t focus on anything, and no life is not worth it, I wont tell you to keep trying and pushing, struggling whatever, I don’t know about you, but I can’t fight this feeling, and I’m having it right now, so here’s how I deal with it, first I put in my mind that it’s just a time thing, it will pass if I waited enough time, during that time, I sign in here and read some posts and try to reply to them if I’m feeling well enough to help someone, “let’s save a life” that’s what I tell to myself, so basically that’s what I do, or check my mail and read what people have written for me about their own problems, then I take a long walk outside, and watch the sky, without thinking at all, I just try to relax and breath, and usually if there are clouds in the sky I would take pictures of them…. and that’s all I know…
I am sorry to hear that you have dealing with so much turmoil and pain in your life. I want to tell you so badly not to give up hope but I won’t. Instead I will send Blessings your way, and pray that you get some understanding in your life. Life is hard and it can be so ugly depending on how you look at it.
When You — Change your perspective of life, you will change your perception of it and then you will start to experience it differently. You need to spend some time really getting to know yourself from the inside, quiet the destructive thoughts about death and focus on what makes you a good person. If you have tried so many times and have failed to end your life, isn’t it just possible you have yet to complete your life in the way you were meant to. Don’t give up hope, things can turn around for you, and when it is your time, you will go happily.
I suffer from suicidal thoughts as well, for years, but I read somewhere that when you commit suicide you force yourself to come back and live out another life until you get what you came here to experience. I for one do not want to come back so I am determined to get it right this time. myworldmyplanet
I agree with what you said about helping others. If you can’t help yourself then how can you help others, so you put all this effort into making others better or something but, what about yourself, you still feel like crap and there is nothing they can do for you cuz now they are on their way now that you helped them.