Food for Thought

I really thought i was done with this site. Things were starting to look up and i haven’t felt like killing myself in a long time. I really thought i was on the path of recovery, but I guess you never really are. Life just has a wonderful way of creeping its ugly head in the way of the sun. I keep saying this over and over about my husband, but I am stuck. there is no way I can leave. I have no one that I could live with temporarily and I can’t go to a shelter because hes not physically abusive. If there was a way to see all the mental abuse I’m sure that I would be completely black and blue. He went to a stupid relationship therapist but I lost my job again and we couldn’t afford it. I am in college now, having to pay out of pocket and he loves to tell me how much debt I’m putting us in to just fail at this too. Everything is crashing around me and I can’t catch my breath. His parents are letting me work for them part time to help us out but he also loves to tell me that I owe that to him as well. I want to end it so badly I dream about my funeral. If I did I know he wouldn’t do anything my family wanted and he would exclude some of them. He’s even told me he would, along with saying if I “ever got the balls to off myself I will have his blood on my hands too, because he would off himself just so his family hates me and my family.” This is who I married. I know if I leave he couldn’t survive without me and our dog (who he gets to keep) would die as well. I love my animals and they are one of the only reasons I stay. I know where the gun is and the ammo. We have a basement and tarps. I should just make sure the pets are safe and swallow a bullet. I hate everything, my life, my looks, my weight, my self esteem, and being stuck in the stupid situation. I know no one will bat an eye after I’m gone, probably just the few “Rip”, “I wish she would have talked to me about it”, “We used to be so close, im so broken right now” bs posts on facebook people do just for attention and to make them selves feel good about not actually giving a shit about me. I think maybe I’ll give my dogs some meds to so they don’t have to stay with him, same with my rabbit. And then we can all be done with this shit together and we will finally be free.