majorWorks I

Well, first post of mine. I’ve been hesitant and reluctant to become apart of this ‘project’ for reasons I can’t seem to make clear, but none the less here I am writing tonight.

[Side-note: I am pretty computer literate but I find being new to word press or this project very confusing. It shows me everyone’s comments and posts, instead of just the posts I comment on, or responses to my comments. I don’t quite understand this site, but maybe I’ll get there soon.]

I mostly only read posts on this site, picking and choosing which ones to read fully. It’s been comforting in some way I don’t understand but I think it’s not helping anymore. I commented on two peoples posts a few days ago for the first time, but didn’t say much. I always want to be able to say the thing that’ll help the person the most, so it’s quite frustrating sometimes for me. Also it seems that there are quite a few people on here that support people wanting to commit suicide. I thought about which side I’d be on-supportive or non supportive- and I don’t think I support it but I do completely understand how someone reaches that point sadly. I don’t want to give someone advice on how to die or support their decision, absolutely not, but I do think about what exactly can I offer someone as an alternative to decide otherwise? So I suppose I just sit in the middle of the persuasiveness of support and non support since I can’t exactly do either. One thing I find myself doing when I read posts on here all the time is wondering what the people look like who write these posts. That’s very.. what’s the word? I don’t know, maybe superficial? Eh.

I guess that’s my take on this site so far. As far as me, I don’t even know exactly why I’m writing this but that’s not seeming to stop me from typing on this keyboard. At first this site really did comfort me because I realized there are other people out there that experience pain that is to much to handle for them, like I have been. I honestly believed I was I guess the only one who had this pain that was unbearable and torturous. [Clarification: when I say pain I refer to thoughts that bring about emotional pain] I hate the pain that my mind brings about these days. My mind seems to rule my entire being, which I suppose is obvious, but it is so dangerous for me. There are way to many things I have chose to create I suppose that trigger my painful thoughts, it’s really horrible. From seeing PT Cruisers to hearing about NJ fucking kills me. It’s all these fucking triggers that make my mind start on a roll of thought after thought that brings so much pain I can’t bear it. My heart aches in pain and all I can do is curl up on the floor and cry for hours and suffer until for whatever reason it stops. I used to be able to distract myself from the thoughts but these days it doesn’t work anymore. [Side-note: I bet people have no idea what I’m talking about] One of the triggers that has upset me tonight is all this talk about the east coast on every other channel on television about the hurricane. The past two days it has upset me actually. It’s just hearing about the east coast that fucking upsets me. [Clarification: It has to do with my story-small but significantly painful in my mind] That song lyric, “I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing” is very accurate for me at this point.

I’ve read people’s posts on here that talk of horrific things that have happened to them to get them to the mental state they are currently at. My whole ‘story’ that has gotten me to the mental state I am at isn’t horrific or insane, it may be a lot of events in a short time possibly but it still effects me to the very core of myself. I suppose all people’s stories are that way.

[majorWorks]