This week I’m turning 30. By this time I thought I would have settled down, I thought my life would be in order. I was abused as a child, both mentally and physically. I was bullied at school and at any other programs or places I regularly attended. I’ve wanted things to end for over 20 years now. 9 months ago I had a stroke, found out I had a brain condition, had multiple operations including brain surgery. I learned to walk again and regained most of my normal functions. However, I struggle with using my hand and have constant pain. To makes things worse, love of my life cheated on me while I was still recovering. I had offered him an out, told him we could end things and that he could see someone else. He said he would be by my side which ended up not happening. He was my only ray of sunshine. I tried to commit suicide back in January. I swallowed 37 pills (prescription grade) and nothing happened. I never felt dizzy and never passed out. After 7 hours of watching movies I just threw up. I didn’t know EPS would be called for self harm. I spent a mandatory 72 hours in a mental ward. It was a terrible experience, I lied to get out. My best friend just lectures me on how I need to get a counselor and how I need help, but never offers help. I stopped talking to her, all I wanted was someone to be there for me… Truth is that I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep, I am in constant pain, I’m still heartbroken, and I am still recovering. More recently, my hospital financial aid was denied because I have too much resources (although all my resources put together would not put a dent in my bills. I am also disabled, unemployed, and do not own a car, nor a house). My mom’s car battery died, my phone died, my laptop got hacked and crashed. I have such bad luck that black cat and broken mirrors have nothing on me. I don’t have anything to really look forward to. I will be on medication for life and I don’t know if my body will fully recover. I just want my life to end. I’m not “seeking attention”, I would really like to be 6 feet under. I just wanted to vent, tell my story, and be able to explain to people who know what depression is like, people who won’t judge me, people who will not call EPS. I wish I could trade my life with someone who is dying. I’ve been looking up different methods, but I’m afraid of the consequences of failing. Having your mind trapped in a non-functioning body is hell, and being in a mental ward is like the movie inception, you’re trapped in a room, and you’re trapped in your body.
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I’m so sorry that U have such a painful + difficult life, but I do know that for someone like yourself, whose life sucks so bad, feeling joy and happiness from the most simple things is so much easier (all those things that most people take for granted…So when your focus becomes “being dead”, and is so inviting + desirable, instead try to find opportunities to experience things here in life, that can/might bring u joy. Example, without telling U my sob story=Today I felt the most joy from eating a baked potato (with butter +salt +sour cream). Didn’t expect it to be the most joyous event of my day (a really bad day)…Something I likely are hundreds of times in my life without a thrill or noticed special significance, bur something I haven’t cooked/ate by myself in a really long time (years) that since then, hours ago, being dead doesn’t seem as urgent or appealing, since their might be other things I’d miss that would make me feel as goid as I did while + after eating that delicious hor baked potato. Yes my life is pathetic, but only because it is so pathetic, did that baked potatoe bring me so much joy/happiness. Something I certainly took for granted the many other times in my life it was always there, easy to have +eat and not a special unexpected treat. Look for those opportunities, whatever they may be for U, that right now, might bring u a little joy and distraction to how appealing (being dead) and no longer struggling seems/feels to U. There’s always tomorrow or the next day, or day to die, but right now, this minute try to notice or seek out those simple or little things to experience or focus on that feel positive + good…And make luving + life, suck less. Good luck. (P.s. I reached out to a few people today because I was feeling so low, and giving up + death seemed so inviting, and it’s almost funny to realize that the most positive (unexpected) experience of my day was a spur of the moment decision (cause I was starved and had no time or ability to go out + get something to eat) was a 10 or 20 cent microwaved Yukon potatoe with old butter + sour cream samples I had saved a long time ago in the mini fridge where I am. On that note, I think I’ll go take a short nap, while I m feeling good, since I know the horrors + struggles of my life will/ can wait til later, to beat me up again, and try to force me again to be convinced that “death” is my best option. It may or may not be. But thinking about the good, little things that unexpectedly happen, is much more appealing (inviting) to me right at this precise moment. And when the thrill of eating a hot baked potatoe wears off, which I’m sure it will over the next few days or weeks, hopefully I can/will find some other things to keep widening the gap of my thoughts regarding death. *btw, a few weeks ago I had the same experience from buying a nail polish brand/color (expensive) I hadn’t bought in years. Best $12, I ever spent, something so dumb, that just happened to be there when I walked in a drug store for something else (not planned or even thought about), since obviously people whose lives suck really bad don’t have time or desire to think about trivial things like polishng their nails with a a really good brand that lasts. PS. I too would like to trade my life with someone who us dying; but wgile I’m stuck HERE, I like ever human deserves and is entitled to feeling a little joy, whenever possible, even if it is from sonething really insignificant.
Sorry about typos, please ignore, hard to write or see/proof long posts from my phone. (Had I realized how bad my dexterity and sight was when I wrote it, I would have fixed it, to avoid somebody from wrongly assuming, I don’t know how to spell/write). I DO. My brian is fine, actually STILL really picky about “doing things right + correctly”…But the rest of me + my life often prevents that. Sorry. I’ll try to plan, a better time to visit here, next time, (when I’m feeling better + stronger). Today was just a spur of the moment decision, when connecting with others (who too embrace death) seemed to be the right place for me to be for a little while. Thanks, to all those who post here, to remind me that I, and my misery or thoughts are not that unique or unusual. TTYL – Hopefully. I’m still hoping for miracles for me and others here, so we have other “projects” to occupy our time + thoughts, other than “suicide”. Bye.
You must really love baked potatoes lol I think typos and other mistakes are inevitable online… I must have edited this post a few times and still find mistakes (shrug). I try to find joy and happiness in the smaller things, but the wind has been knocked out of my sails. I’m jealous of your naps, I haven’t been able to naturally sleep for quite some time now. It’s presumably exacerbating all my problems. Enjoy your baked potatoes
Hi again- Thanks for responding – No, I never did really love baked potatoes that much, other than on that day. It was just due to the joy, of it’s unexpected timing
(starved and wishing for something hot to eat) – Made me feel alive for awhile.
Wish I had that same feeling now- Suppose I’ll need to put some effort into finding it.
I suppose that was my point, when every day life sucks really bad, often you have to consciously seek out things that may bring you joy.
Since losing my home and most of my life’s possessions, it’s often the little things (finding them) that bring me the most joy.
Like right now I would give almost anything to have my homemade meatballs and sauce, I’ve made/ate many hundreds of times on a Sunday. Even completely alone, it would feed my soul, more than my hungry stomach. (No cooking stuff here in this over-priced sleazy motel) –
Maybe I should force myself to go out and buy something decent to eat…No forget that thought – I just remembered when back in March I had an intense meatball craving (which turned out to be delicious) but something really awful happened while I was sitting alone, enjoying that delicious meatball hero…Probably the worst unexpected thing that could ever happen to me…
I’d provide details, but now that, that thought (carefully blocked out to the best of my ability over the past 2+ months)…I simply can’t get into the details.
Wow this really sucks, I just came by to check follow-ups on any of my replies, and I let myself be sucked into horrible thoughts. Yes, I know it’s like I have PTSD – Don’t think I’ll ever heal from it. Gotta go – Just quickly will reveal that the person (my son) who did things that solely caused me to become feeling suicidal back in 2015 (which I still feel)- He walked into that pizza place (while I was eating the meatball hero), which was the very first time I’ve seen him since, I accepted he is a psychopath, that I am too weak to have in my life attacking my spirit anymore.
Unfortunately my joyous spirit, that he so successfully beat up for so many years, has never returned…My fault for not protecting it (my life and spirit) during all those years.
I thought I could fix him, and always expected a happy outcome – which really was never possible in his lifetime, but I was unwilling to give-up on him, until I faced the truth.
….Complex story I should never have begun – but even when your favorite food has bad memories, due to somebody elses actions, U know your life + mind is really f-cked up= It’s hopeless (healing). His life, will always be in exchange for my death. Not what I ever could have expected, other than realize I should have gotten him more professional help when he was young (behavior problems) sometimes are much more serious than they appear – And certainly something I should have been smart enough to protect my spirit from, during all those years he was beating it up…Should cut this post out – Need to, but I won’t…Because exposing the truth, and “my attacker” is something, that really doesn’t even matter to anybody but me. I shame I couldn’t have died many years ago, when my spirit was intact. He doesn’t deserve the power, to take it away from me, but he did…and it’s my own fault for believing I was a good Mother who would one day fix him (teach him to care and love)- Impossible for a psychopath…