I am stuck between wanting to die and not wanting to die. I think i’m a living paradox. A messy paradox. I don’t know but I’m scared of the possibilities that each has. I don’t want to live in this selfish world anymore but i don’t want to be selfish too just because I want to die and leave this cruel place. I’ve been Having suicidal, anxious, and depressing thoughts for years and I just wanted it to stop. Everyday is Like a triP to a dark forbidden forest, and a day with an endless rain. It’s as if I’m drowning in a pool of sadness and guilt sprinkled with insecurities and problems. It’s like I’m running without actually moving at all. Each day is just some kind of a merry-go-round routine, a never-ending cycle. It’s hard because despite these, I have to put up a facade, to show them that I’m okay and that there’s nothing wrong.
A or B? A – to continue or B – to stop. I’ve been stuck with this question for years and I constantly kept on choosing option B. I tried to kill myself a lot of times, but each attempt was a failure. Three days ago, I thought of a plan to finally make it a success. I started off by disconnecting myself from everyone and deactivating some of my social media accounts. Basically, I isolated myself because that’s what I’m good at. Nobody knew but I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. A lot had happened these past few months that triggered ‘this’. I wanted to ask for some help, but I don’t know how to. I needed help, but I can’t bring myself to ask anyone. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I am tired of being a burden and I don’t want anyone to be cautious around me. I was alone at my house that time. I swallowed a handful of different kinds of pills, then I decided to sleep. I had a very deep sleep-a sleep i never had for months, and I can remember that in my sleep, I dreamed of my best friend who just recently passed away. It’s as if she’s reassuring me that she’s still there. I woke up crying with a searing pain in my head and stomach. I don’t know how I even managed to wake up after what I did(?). Like it’s some kind of a miracle. After that, I did a lot of thinking but I ended up becoming more confused. “What if i was making the wrong choice after all this time?”
Up until now, the question still haunts me. I’m still contemplating on which option I would permanently choose. A or B? Maybe (just maybe) I’ll try my best to consider option A and look for my lost silver lining even if it’s seems impossible.
1 comment
This is so accurate af, everything, like u have lived through me. I wish i hadn’t woken up, but still, here i am. We’re our own paradox in this sick cycle of life, it’s so exhausting trying to fight a war against ourselves we cannot win. We kept holding on to that false hope even if we know it’s what’s hindering us from the inevitable.