Well it’s 4:38am here in NY, in 2 hours I will be driving 2 hours to check out the mountain/cliff I’ll be driving off of and I couldn’t fall asleep just having my usual intrusive future scenario thoughts of how my relatives around the nation would react and if I survived would they topple over me with pity and more support that I don’t want I just want to be gone. That’s how I get rid of those thoughts by repeating the word “GONE” in my head. My past = gone , future = gone , the best one, present = gone. Life to me is like a video game I played too long and now instead of enjoying the features everything is dull and I just want to beat it so it can end.
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Yeah, so I read your 40 day post (and envy your artistic ability b/c I have none) and read about your list of mental maladies. People I’ve known who were diagnosed as bi-polar or schizophrenic have had a tough time getting their meds regulated. If one or two meds don’t work, rather than try a different protocol entirely, their doctors just add another med and another med to combat the side effects and “latent, masked symptoms” that were “made apparent” by the ****** protocol.
My point is that some of the maladies that you accept as such may just be side effects of the meds. Understand there are good doctors and bad doctors. Maybe see another shrink (or two, or three) to get various opinions.
BTW: Where’s your cliff?
It’s either Bear Mountain or Shawangunk Mountains. My examination of Bear Mountain felt incomplete since the highest peaks were closed due to rain or some reason. 4hrs total in driving and couldn’t even lay out my car position to lunge off smh so Shawangunk Mountains is possible alternative but I would have to jump off there’s no car trail which is why it was Plan B cuz that’s scarier imo
I don’t see Bear Mtn as an option, the other may have possibilities, as would seeing a different shrink and counselor who could help.
It’s because of all the trees getting in the way right? That’s why Bear Mtn wouldn’t work?
That and you’d probably just go for a very long roll down the hill. So that advice you want to take but not the shrink?
A very long roll down the hill would be enough to end it im sure. A woman drove off one of the cliffs of bear mountain for suicide only 100ft and died the top is 1000ft. But I am skeptical of surviving because of a damn tree stopping my momentum.
Hey, I’m the one who asked u if there’s anything that could possibly make you not go along with this plan…
Can we talk about this?
What happened?
How did all the “Gone”s start?
The “gones” were always there, I want to disappear, need to disappear, my perception of this world is flawed. Like I said once I collect my thoughts it’ll all be in a post. There’s no helping me, luxury will not be sustainable for me for long mentally and physically.
Bottom line: I hate who I am and I can’t change myself into the person I want to be. It’s impossible. I can’t accept the way I am now either. Therefore 40 days.
Sir, r u still breathing? Can u still move? Can ur legs still carry ur weight? U say u drive too…
So why give up? Why not keep on trying to be the person u want to be… why 40 days when u might have 40 weeks, months or years to try & keep on trying?
I understand that there’s pain, and anger and maybe even hate… I won’t tell u I “know” how u feel but I can “relate” & imagine it… It’s not a nice place… I know
but u can’t just give up 🙁
U CAN fight back
Trust me, U can do it
ShiSui: 40 is a significant number in a spiritual sense. It is a number of great deliverance and transformation. It is a demarcation number: death of an old identity, birth of a new, more empowered one.
I pray it is for you, as well.
Amen
ShiSui, two prayers in a row, from 2 complete strangers just some hours after u posted this… still think ur life doesn’t matter?
Then again, Farah, I’m equally likely to make that road trip with him to look at those steep drops. Stare into the abyss, stand on the edge of life and death, listen for a voice speaking through time and see if there is an answer. If not. . . ?
Why dear 🙁 ?
Why go there?
If I know where & when u’r going
I’d race u to that place
& I’d answer
🙂
I’d tell you u’r loved & cherished
& I’d tell u u’r far more precious & valuable than u give urself credit/worth
I’d tell u do not quit
I’d tell u I’m here for u no matter what happens
🙂
Do you think we can talk about this?
I’m ready whenever u are
Your intentions may be well-meant but you are tiresome, dear.
While you undoubtedly believe you would be there, you ought not make promises you cannot keep. Besides, you already said what you would say, so what more?
I know I am loved and cherished.
It is my prerogative to quit.
Telling me you are here for me no matter what? That’s well-meaning bullshit.
I sincerely apologize if I offended you in any way
I did not mean to
But I did mean it when I said I’d be there for you no matter what…
Why do you see it as nonsense?
I’m willing to talk to you & emotionally support you till a 100 years forward
[if I do live that long]
& I wouldn’t think twice about it
Is it that you find what I say hard to believe?
Or is it logically impossible? [Cuz I don’t think so]
Yes I said what I would say based on what you’ve written so far…
I don’t know anything about your problems or what led you to that place you are in now
If you tell me, I might have other things to say
& maybe you might find these things helpful
in one way or another
?
I’m not offended in the least.
Let’s say, though, that ShiSui and I are on the opposite sides of the continent, peering down our respective drops, at precisely the same time you required to appear in court to give testimony of some sort, or the moment you are to exchange wedding vows, or you are prevented in some way? It is unfair to make these promises. You can cost someone their life, while they are waiting for you to show up and tell them whatever it is you think they need to here.
Your spiritual badgering is bordering on bullying, This site was meant to be safe for people to vent. People are falling silent when they need to vent. No, you don’t offend me, but you concern me, especially your motivations. Many a wolf hides himself in sheep’s clothing. So whether you are sincere, or a spiritual bully, or some sort of predator, I cannot say.
Okay
I think I’m starting to understand what you’re saying
but I’m very new here
& it’s true, sometimes I feel I have no idea what I’m doing
or if I’m saying the “right” words
I’ve always had problems communicating with others
I understand that right now you’re probably suspicious of me
& I know I put myself in this position
but
if u can believe that all I intend to do here is help,
nothing more
no other motives
could you,
if possible,
explain to me what I “should do”
so that I wouldn’t be,
as you said,
bullying the person
but at the same time not giving up on them
I swear to God I spent all of last night crying
It breaks my heart to read something like what you wrote:
“I’m equally likely to make that road trip with him to look at those steep drops. Stare into the abyss, stand on the edge of life and death, listen for a voice speaking through time and see if there is an answer. If not. . . ?”
& yet say absolutely nothing
or say something as brief as “Hang in there”
I wouldn’t know how to close my eyes & have a good nights sleep
🙁
Can you tell me how do you think I should have responded
in helpful way
instead of what I actually wrote?
You’re starting point is wanting to help. Did I say I want help?
At different times in my life, sometimes even here, I have asked and been met with silence or derision or dismissive humor or compassionate understanding.
Why not create your own post, saying the things you are saying here, and see if anyone responds?
Okay
I think I got it…
So you think
something like
a post where I say,
in a well thought of way,
that I want to help out
& i’m hear to listen to anyone who wishes to talk
or needs advice
? [Am I getting this right]
If this is what you mean then I think it’s a great idea
& yes
by all means
I’ll do it
Just one last question
For those who don’t take part in my post
those who are just venting out & not “asking for help”
Could you please tell me how I might be able to respond
in a kind manner
that at the same time wouldn’t be
as you said, bullying
?
I understand now that if someone is not asking 4 help
I shouldn’t force it upon them
but there must be something I could do
right? 🙁
I’m just stating my opinion, sharing my observations; in no means am I trying to fix you or tell you what you should or should not say, other than this: you’re on the only site meant for people with suicidal ideation to be able to freely share their inner turmoil, a site which may be the ONLY place people can share without being judged, bullied, and proselytized.
I understand
thanks a lot for taking out of ur time to help me understand ur viewpoint
& thanks 4 the idea
[PS: & please don’t consider this bullying…
I just want to say I’m sorry you didn’t get help when you asked for it
& I wish I could have been there to offer it
But it consoles me that u’r still here
& I hope that at any point in time,
if you do feel you need help
& I do manage to keep up with that post idea [I genuinely intend to]
I hope you’d feel welcome
& i’ll do my best to help out
]
Appreciated.
I understand & I’m waiting for your post… but I can’t c why you’r giving up? By luxury, do u mean wealth?
I think it’s bullshit when anyone says they’re there for you hoping for the best. It’s all self-fulfillment at the end of the day the world still spins when I’m gone.
Of course the world will still spin, that doesn’t make someone wishing you well, bullshit. I do wish you a better future than the bottom of a cliff can bring.
Yeah but good wishes don’t bring results the bottom of a cliff might. A result I’ve been longing for awhile now.
Better meds/better therapy is better advice.