It’s an addiction. I was watching Masters Of Sex and one episode was very insightful. Dr. Masters was at an AA meeting and he said the addiction isn’t about drugs or alcohol, it’s about the need to make ourselves feel bad and worthless. It’s true. If you have good sense, why would you keep doing something that you know is going to make you feel like complete shit? It means you must hate yourself so much. This is a behavior that has to be changed, but it takes a lot of work. I’ve been like this since a teenager, the self-hatred isn’t going to end overnight.
Conditioning. Had dear old mom and dad been able to see and acknowledge some scrap of good in their son, and told him so, what a difference it could have made. But they did to him what was done to them, extending a cycle of learned self hate. How powerful those words were, so full of anger and spite. It’s about this, no idea where this came from:
“If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.”
If a child is reminded daily of his faults, and his need to be like: “your brother, your sister, your friend, your other friend”, the takeaway is that he is broken and unlikeable. So what’s not to hate?
It took me years to realize my mother never really validated my feelings so it made me second-guess myself or be apologetic even though I wasn’t in the wrong. Talking to a therapist confirmed that too. He confirmed that the situation is ridiculous and certain things were not my fault.
Then I recently heard about “gaslighting”, a manipulation tactic. Some sick fuck I used to date is gaslighting me and making me question my sanity. I feel weak and worn out. My mother is does it too, and I think many people do and I don’t notice until my willpower and strength is gone.
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It’s an addiction. I was watching Masters Of Sex and one episode was very insightful. Dr. Masters was at an AA meeting and he said the addiction isn’t about drugs or alcohol, it’s about the need to make ourselves feel bad and worthless. It’s true. If you have good sense, why would you keep doing something that you know is going to make you feel like complete shit? It means you must hate yourself so much. This is a behavior that has to be changed, but it takes a lot of work. I’ve been like this since a teenager, the self-hatred isn’t going to end overnight.
Conditioning. Had dear old mom and dad been able to see and acknowledge some scrap of good in their son, and told him so, what a difference it could have made. But they did to him what was done to them, extending a cycle of learned self hate. How powerful those words were, so full of anger and spite. It’s about this, no idea where this came from:
“If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.”
If a child is reminded daily of his faults, and his need to be like: “your brother, your sister, your friend, your other friend”, the takeaway is that he is broken and unlikeable. So what’s not to hate?
Ah, fuck. Yeah, that. Shit. Well, we’re older now and hopefully have a broader perspective.
It took me years to realize my mother never really validated my feelings so it made me second-guess myself or be apologetic even though I wasn’t in the wrong. Talking to a therapist confirmed that too. He confirmed that the situation is ridiculous and certain things were not my fault.
Then I recently heard about “gaslighting”, a manipulation tactic. Some sick fuck I used to date is gaslighting me and making me question my sanity. I feel weak and worn out. My mother is does it too, and I think many people do and I don’t notice until my willpower and strength is gone.
If you’ve never heard of it, look into it.
https://lonerwolf.com/gaslighting/
I looked that up. I’d never heard of it. The term covers a really broad spectrum of behaviors. Interesting, thanks for the link.