I did it and I hate myself

It’s a *****, life is. I have different beliefs than you, I cannot answer your question about the afterlife and suicide. I have a difficult time believing a loving God would punish you for having difficulty in a world he placed you in, when he does not step in to provide assistance, only let’s you struggle. You do not have an easy road ahead of you. You can only be expected to continue on, sometimes blindly, if you can. There are no clear, obvious answers in this life. Waking up every morning wishing you could die is a reaction to the conditions you deal with and a testament to the fact that these conditions are taking a heavy toll on you. Wanting to die is a means of providing yourself with a viable option to escape the life you are struggling with. This is something many, many of us do. I wish to die, I wish to sleep without waking, but until that time comes, in whatever form it takes, we are only left with the option of living, and that’s not the easy option, but it has its rewards over time. Remember, you believe God has brought you to today. Ask him why, but do not expect a loud, immediate reply – there may not be one. The reply may come in a year, or five years, or twenty years, and it will be an obvious reply when you are ready to receive it. This is the nature of the universe, of God. We are thrown here, vulnerable and fearful, and asked to do the almost impossible – Figure out why.

Today, tonight, tomorrow, don’t try to make sense of all my mumbo jumbo. Take care of you. Cry, sleep, toss and turn and think, do what you need to do right now. You are as good a human being as you can be. Situations have handed you more than you can process. You are not as bad as you think you are, you, like all of us, are a struggling soul and time to heal, think and live will see you through. But it will be a continued struggle, and the longer you fight, the stronger and more capable of handling it you will become.