It’s been a while since I’ve actually posted. I’ve given up talking to people in my life. I don’t want to burden them anymore. But today, it’s either talk to someone or kill myself, so I suppose the internet will do.
It’s a number of things, most of which stem from years of abuse, loss, and conditioned self-hatred. I don’t begrudge anyone for the things I’ve experienced. I try not to play victim or think about the actual events for the most part. Really, the problem is how I view and respond to life now because of how my brain and worldview developed through those events. I’m afraid there’s no fix for that.
I’ve realized that the problem is micro and macro. The micro levels being family, friends, and my church, and the macro level being societal messages. My remaining family thinks I am a melodramatic, weak loser with no direction. They aren’t wrong, but it seems a bit hypocritical to think of me that way but presumably get to be upset if I kill myself. My church was basically a cult–controlling, hateful to anything different, and isolating. Good people but misled. I’ve also had my share of fake friendships and fallouts. And I definitely take responsibility for those. I’m not made for or good at relationships, and I wish I could go back and remove myself from the picture so nobody would get hurt. On the macro level, the demands of society are generally suffocating. But this world, the United States in particular, is not a world I care to exist in. And the constant berating of my generation and the reality of being part of my generation, which has been largely set up for failure, is too much to handle. Yea, screw us over, then criticize us as if we created the current state of the world, as if we raised ourselves to be this way.
I just don’t see a solution to this. I honestly cannot decide what to do. I can’t inflict myself on anyone else. Not anymore. I don’t know. Nothing is worth it. Nothing.
8 comments
I think you care to much what other people think, if you try to fit their mold you will never be happy. you have to fit your mold.
relationships are hard, accepting the way others think and them accepting the way you think is very difficult comprises must be made. the world doesn’t revolve just around us including me.
in a relationship it’s what are you willing to put up with and what your willing to give, of course this only works if it’s visa versa 🙂
Let’s talk. If you have any specific way then I’ll be there for you. I understand this all too well. My grandpa owned a christian store etc. You are not alone
I feel that we have similar situations, i grew up in a pentacostal church and have a long history or abuse. I know all to well the spiraling and self destructive thought process this can put you in and that it often feels like the longer you live the more you ruin things. Would i would suggest to you is finding a psychologist who does EDMR therapy (i apologize if you’ve already tried this). It’s a trauma based therapy that helps to change the way your brain works in relation to the abuse and can help you create a more positive outlook. It might be of interest to you and maybe give you a little hope that is so hard to fine. Xx best wishes.
Oh man I hear ya, you write well. It’s so true about being set up for failure.. I just started reading the bible on my own and I got so much more out of it than going to church all of these years. Discussing God with others can often make me feel further away from them but when it’s just me reading it directly and doing my own research online it feels so much more life giving! This of course doesn’t mean that everything is okay.. in fact everything is so hard and painful and I wish things could have been different but since they can’t the only thing that I feel is worth hanging onto for now is the word of God.
NicoleK, you said everything i feel. I am tired of it all but at this moment, dont have the energy to come up with an exit plan. We are here for you….
Can relate to much of what you wrote.
As far as not being able to change…………..i feel like there’s knots in my head.
All these threads were supposed to be woven nice and neat into a complete human being, but due to events in my life they got tangled up. At first i didn’t know what was going on and as i struggled in pain the knots multiplied. As i become increasingly depressed and angry the knots tightened, suffocating me and retarding my reason and spirit.. After a while i feel like this is just how i am and since i am broken i should die.
But i have changed a lot. It took a lot of years to get me all knotted up like that so i accept that it will take plenty of time to create the changes i need to keep living. But i have been learning how to calm myself, forgive, accept, let go and identify which threads i need to be working with to undue these knots and which knots must simply be pruned.
I still think about suicide regularly, but i no longer believe i am unfixable.
I understand what you’re saying. I also don’t feel any desire to be part of this generation, especially in the culture of the United States.
I think it’s admirable that you don’t try to play the victim, but sometimes just for a change you should let yourself indulge. Just for the sake for venting.
Feel free to reach out to me, if you want to talk to someone.
Hi all,
I appreciate all of your responses. It was cathartic in itself to write this, but it’s helpful on another level to be listened to and worthy of response. I have seen counselors before but never tried any specific therapy style in regard to the abuse. Honestly, I have trouble accessing that place inside. I turn it all against myself and avoid any reminder of who taught me to punish myself. It was my brother, by the way, and he died almost 8 years ago now. It comes out in dreams a lot though. I imagine that’s a big part of the problem–my unwillingness to get to the root. Sometimes, though, it feels like I’m telling the plot of a movie so far removed from me that I trick myself into believing it isn’t my story. I guess part of it is the teaching from both family and church that you just move on from things; you don’t dwell. But that also means you don’t deal, and that’s what’s destroying me. I do have a therapist appointment in July. She’s a bit succinct in emails, so I hope she’s kinder in person than email makes her seem.
The knot metaphor really resonates with me. I try to describe it to people, and it rarely makes sense, but I might use that. My family doesn’t understand me at all. They don’t even know much, and they don’t try to relate to the little they do know. My mom is extremely religious and believes prayer is the only solution, but I’ve tried that for years. She also believes I’m possessed by a demon, so with all due respect, fuck her for that. Sounds harsh, but that really hurts to hear.
I dunno. I just want a do-over. I just want a chance to think and feel normally, to feel confident enough to live my life.