It’s been a while since I’ve actually posted. I’ve given up talking to people in my life. I don’t want to burden them anymore. But today, it’s either talk to someone or kill myself, so I suppose the internet will do.
It’s a number of things, most of which stem from years of abuse, loss, and conditioned self-hatred. I don’t begrudge anyone for the things I’ve experienced. I try not to play victim or think about the actual events for the most part. Really, the problem is how I view and respond to life now because of how my brain and worldview developed through those events. I’m afraid there’s no fix for that.
I’ve realized that the problem is micro and macro. The micro levels being family, friends, and my church, and the macro level being societal messages. My remaining family thinks I am a melodramatic, weak loser with no direction. They aren’t wrong, but it seems a bit hypocritical to think of me that way but presumably get to be upset if I kill myself. My church was basically a cult–controlling, hateful to anything different, and isolating. Good people but misled. I’ve also had my share of fake friendships and fallouts. And I definitely take responsibility for those. I’m not made for or good at relationships, and I wish I could go back and remove myself from the picture so nobody would get hurt. On the macro level, the demands of society are generally suffocating. But this world, the United States in particular, is not a world I care to exist in. And the constant berating of my generation and the reality of being part of my generation, which has been largely set up for failure, is too much to handle. Yea, screw us over, then criticize us as if we created the current state of the world, as if we raised ourselves to be this way.
I just don’t see a solution to this. I honestly cannot decide what to do. I can’t inflict myself on anyone else. Not anymore. I don’t know. Nothing is worth it. Nothing.
