is the thought of tying a noose around my neck. I don’t mean actually going to the store, buying a rope, and doing it. There are reasons why I don’t want that, at least at the moment. When I am alone and get anxiety over a bad memory or something happening in my future, I just close my eyes, imagine the rope around my neck, and it puts me at ease with whatever I am thinking about. “What bad can happen if I have that option!”
Is that weird?
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Very common here. I still do it.
The trouble is I’m starting to wonder if suicidal ideation has become an addictive process for me.
Actually, when I was suicidal myself, that thought of ending my life gave me hope. But I was innocent though and I didn’t even know how hard is to put an end to your life.
I think about that I’m also telling myself that some day I’ll be dead…
I like to imagine blowing my head off with a shotgun which is funny because that’s not the way I would do it.
I have recently been dogged by people with similar questions. Here is part of the letter I wrote to those people who wonder why I so often long for death:
Why the life long thoughts of suicide? It’s all about control. As a kid, life with XXXX felt so chaotic & out of control. And you will never believe me, but I don’t really care what you believe any more, I felt like he took ALL control away from me. So for some reason suicide became a place of peace for me. A place of control over my life. Tell that to a shrink & watch them really freak out! Because yes, most people suicide for the attention. But for me, the moment before I attempt I don’t have a single thought about who will find me, will they be sad, blah, blah, blah. I do it for that moment of pure peace I feel before I lose consciousness. It’s the only time I feel free. It’s the only time I feel hope that there is something better than this. It’s pure selfishness! XXX is right about that – it is selfishness – just not the kind you’re thinking of. It’s like being so happy that the world and its pain just falls away.
I wasn’t very old when I grew tired of this existence. When I realized we don’t all have a purpose to fulfill. Most of us are just here taking up space. There is no great happiness, no noble reward. I have a new favorite quote: “Are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?” That’s how most of us live. It’s depressing as hell so I take peace in knowing I can ultimately have control…or at least that’s the illusion I have created for myself. It’s all about CONTROL! Why do you think I’m usually such a neat freak? It’s control. A place for every thing and every thing in it’s place.
Anyway back to CONTROL- it’s why I suck at work, relationships or even normal human interactions. If I can’t control the situation I have to get out. If I can’t get out I rely on my trusted rip cord- suicide. Back me into a corner, make me vulnerable or helpless, threaten me, betray me to the point of unbearable pain and I will seek the only relief and comfort I have grown to know.
And this brings us to the other night (and several conversations since). I let you goad me into a decision of live or die. Backed into a corner. I hadn’t tested my method, I wasn’t sure I had everything just right. But I let someone else take over that one piece of control I have always held for myself and I failed. I believe I will have permanent damage from it which will always serve as a reminder of when I failed myself and relinquished all control to someone whose only goal was their own peace. So just know that from now on every time you criticize me, scream at me, condemn me or tell me to choose life or death, you are just pushing me farther away. YOU will never take control away from me again. YOU will never threaten my place of peace again. The choice to live or die is within me…just like it is in you.