Being back home from college…it brings back bad memories. And Im reminded how toxic my family can be. I ache to get the fuck out of here but that’s not until September. Relapsing hard.
Going back to drugs.
Going back to my ex who dumped me.
Letting myself be mislead by a boy who has a girlfriend.
I’m a horrible person. We all are.
I try to ignore it all and act like it’s whatever. As if I’m going along with everything that’s going on and see where it takes me but…I’m too fuken sensitive for that.
I just want to escape all the drama. End it all.
Realized I measure my worth by the romantic attention I receive. I just, don’t want to be alone in this life. The more I live the harder it gets and my fear of being alone grows.
16 comments
Ru f-in kiddin me? Niw I’m about the most compassionate sucker you.ll ever meet. Damn I feel sorry for a little kud baeling because je dripped his lollypop on the ground, but to get HERE today ( a person with a real life, real problems, who fantasies about goinfg to heaven because my world is so fuckin mean cruel + evil that ending this living nightmare by death seems to be the obly way it will ever end (the torture).. TO COME HERE TO READ SOME WHINY “me generation” spoiled brat whime about having to deal with her annoyi g parents for the summet so she’ll show everybody what an spoiled, egocentric brat she is, she’ll have a little hissy fit and temper tantrum and make her god bless them) parents miserable by …’harming herself with drugs, illicit sex, and a few other really stupid things she refers to as drama.. RU f-in kiddin me??? Listen, go put your diapers back on and hang out in your crib crying ypurself to sleep alone with your blanky, BECAUSE OUT OF RESPECT FOR THE REALLY HARD WORKIN, PEOPLE PLEASIN SEVERLY DEPRESSED OR REALLY SUICIDAL PEOPLE HERE, THAT HAVE BEEN SO BEAT UP BY LIFE AND UNSPEAKABLE TRAUMAS…I’m sorry I have zero patience for selfish DECADENT people like you…Now if there’s some other real trauma you left out (other than youre a self-centered selfish brat, attention seeking, eho probablt makes your piir parents life miserable, for no valid reason other than you can, let me know…If not take your whining, embarassing “poor me” bratty self someplace else to seek attention. And BTW, when was the last time u did something for someone other than yourself. OR considered somebody elses’s feelings (proyd she uses her ex- disgusting!.
And Im a bit SORRY for takin out on you for the last 10 or 20 whiny brats I wasted time listening to…but honestly you really needed SOMEBODY to wake you up,
because your attitude will get you nowhere,
other than people avoiding you, because ur so selfish + annoying.
From Your new friend, Gail Kathryn aka The new “GLAD” person (ask me what it stands for, if u care…ttyl
I would be glad to listen to all your problems, fears, anxieties, frustrations, traumas blah blah blah…But ONLY IF IT IS Not attention seeking, self-serving BS.
TAKE CARE (AND GROW UP BEFORE SOMEBODY FORCES YOU TO, the hard way.
Please excuse typos, sorry Im so damn tired and hungry Kept falling ASLEEP while responding to the brat, that seems to have nothing better to do with her time than seek attention – sorry I just can’t take the self-centered, self servimg spoiled brats anymore….Somebody’s got to put them in their PLACE, ans for a little while I’m taking on that role and GLAD to do it…
…And btw Calisto131, YOU MAY BE A HORRIBLE PERSON, like you said, but most people here are NOT, they work really hard, get unfairly beat up or abused by the selfish aholes (and decadent people of the worlddd…And now they are so traumatized and fuxkedup (no fault of their own but because this world can be VERY VERY EVIL AT TIMES,
they r hanging by a thread, still love people and care about others, BUT NEED SOMEBODY, SOMEBODY TO LIVE AND SAVE THEM FOR A LITTLE WHILE, SO THE CAN KEEP DOING GOOD + NICE + KIND THINGS FOR OTHERS…UNTIL GOD TELLS THEM THERE TIME IS UP, THEY PASSED THE TEST FOR HOW MUCH TRAUMA ABUSE AND HELL ONE PERSON CAN SURVIVE IN THIS LIVING HELL CALLED EARTH…AND THEIR BEAT UP WORN DOWN BODY, DIES A NATURAL DEATH..
SO SOME ASSHOLE, likely mal7cioys and evil) person, LIKE the devil-preaching Pastor MIKE AND HIS Fearful, scared fycked up wife (Fresh Start Church
in Egg Harbor Township NJ 08234)…Does Not Say something really really mean to you, like they said to me, when I asked does God really want us to endure the unbearable indefinitely … (Ill provide more details in discussion if yoy need/want it…Well rhis devil PREACHING FUCKED- UP PASTOR AND HIS APPARENTLY VERY FEARFUL (maybe clinically paranoid) WIFE Had the F-in ARROGANCE AND COMPLETE AND TOTAL LACK of COMPASSION OR HEART, towards anyone…that they said to me >actually argued with me when I tried to defend ny friends (who have attemped suicide and rhe 5 peopke I know who have ACTUALLY succeeded and killed themselves…Damn, it’s so offensive I cant even repeat what these evil (preachers Pastors) said last Sunday…They said “”All people that commit suicide go to hell with the devil”. So wrong so meanI still want to scream, and shout from rooftops to warn people from staying away from evil wackos like them!!!
And if I told you how they retaliated against me because My God is loving, and comes Closer to those who really need him (pre or post suicidal) because he cares, loves and eanrs to comfort you…
What they did to ME TO RETALIATE BECAUSE i refuse to accept their fake distorted God who punishes (…bottom line is real world, real problems and Calisto, U need to wake up and stop whining. Damn if u got nothing to do with your time, come work for me for the summer.
And sorry I messed up your thread with my anger about our “Decadent” (self-serving and pleasure-seeking and self-obsessed) “SOCIETY”,
which I belive is the (dangerous and sadness provoking) direction you may be choosing for your life…I wish you only the best from life, that little slice of heaven (I once had which has been shatteted and is completely gone)…I pray you find yourself, your true calling in life, ehat you are meant to be, due to the very special talents and capabilities you have (no 2 people are alike and everybody must figure out what nakes them feel good (peaceful, positive, productive, JOYFUL, AND…MOST IMPORTANT ON THIS (sometimes wicked) EARTH- You MUST FIND WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU BELONG AND ARE LOVED..Because nothing else matters. You are and everybody is special and unique, and if you feel like you fit in nowhere, and nobody loves or cares about your well-being, you simply will become just an (invisible, hollow shell of a past once human being, eho at birth had limitless ability, because nobody (I’m pretty sure) is botn with soul-damaging severe anxiety, fear, depression and hopelessness…
Get it? My hollow shell (in severe pain for too long, broken and scattered into a zillion pieces all over By those so evil and cirrupt that they literally stole my Joy + Peace…Please don’t make the mistakes I did…I neglected to protect myself from the wolves of this world, I allowed them to knock me down over and over (my stupidity and own fault because I mistakenly belueved my calling in life was to “take care of other people” …Yes, I’m compassionate, caring, and support LIFE, but fucked up my own, because I forgot to protect my heart and spirit…
Calisto131, put on your big-girl panties and utiluze your special talents, and do something GOOD, MAYBE EVEN EXCEPTIONAL, for yourself and maybe even for someone else. BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT. REALLY. TTYL. BYE.
Alright. I apologize for stating that we’re all horrible and for offending you or anyone else. I wrote all this in the spur of the moment at four in the morning. And im glad that you put all your anger out there. Let me elaborate, I have isolated myself for 3 years after my suicide attempt and post hospital stay. The only way I knew that would allow me to get out of my situation and hometown was college. I’m low-income and was able to attend for free, thankfully. Then I got a job to maintain myself for food/dorm life. During all this time, I was exposed to people again (like I said, I isolated myself for 3 years due to anxiety). Yes, I had my family. However, my parents, being conservative country folk from Mexico, they don’t know how to deal with mental illness; such as, my major depression episodes and generalized anxiety. I’m the oldest of my siblings as well. And the oldest is supposed to set the example for the others, which I obviously didn’t. My parents would hit me for it and yell things. But, that was the only they knew how to deal with depression, the way their parents taught them. I don’t blame my parents and I have to stay here for the summer because housing on campus goes up during this time. I still love my parents, but yesterday I realized that living with them is not best for me.
Now, I consider the things that are going on in my life with my ex and that boy as “drama” because I’ve never experienced these situations before ( My ex was my first relationship at 18). The “drama” also doesn’t compare to the shit that I’ve gone through in my hometown. I know it seems whiny, but these little things are causing me to relapse after months of staying strong against destructive behavior. I’m starting a summer job next week and have been taking out my siblings to be distracted. I try to spend as little time possible away from my house. Being around my hometown though, drugs and alcohol resurface. I don’t like to admit it but they help me stay sane around here.
I guess I am a spoiled brat. And maybe you vented with me because I remind you of yourself?
We can talk about it some more if you want, I like that youre straightforward and would like to know what “GLAD” stands for.
Don’t harm yourself too much: either with drugs or allowing yourself to be used by someone. Take care of yourself because, most likely, few people will
I measure my worth the same way, Idk how to stop.
As someone who doesn’t know you, you don’t come off as a bad person, just troubled, and I’ll take your word for it that your family is toxic.
I just hope, regardless of all that has happened to you, and how worthless you feel, that you manage to take one step towards treating yourself with kindness, like a plant that must be watered and placed in the windowsill to grow.
Maybe we were mistreated (intentionally or not) growing up, so we’ve never known different, and now we treat ourselves the same way, instead of giving ourselves the love we should have had all along?
Thank you. Yes, it’s difficult. Putting my thoughts on here helps put things into perspective. I apologize if I offended you in any way as another user pointed out. I posted this in an unstable state. Thank you so much for your reply. And yes the way we grew up (intentionally or not) should not deprive us of respect in love. Hope our journey towards self-love prospers as well.
Thanks again 🙂
@Timel3ssDecay,
Thank you for your reply. I’m trying not to. For mine and the sake of my siblings too.
Surprise! The ugly is not your family. The ugly is what is outside your home. If these are your only problems just wait until you get caught up with strangers who beat the shit out of you on the edge of town.
Everyone can be horrible or everyone can be nice, it’s a choice. It’s sad you feel that being at home with family is toxic but maybe you should find somewhere else. You need to be comfortable alone and secure. You should not rely on others for happiness as this is how you get hurt. I don’t get why everyone is venting their anger on you, your clearly feeling low and you need someone to talk to. When you feel like everything is getting on top of you close your eyes and breathe for a few minutes focusing on breathing in and out. Think about things rationally in the right frame of mind and not in the heat of emotions. If you need someone to talk to about anything then drop me a message and we can chat. Have a great day tomorrow and focus on the positives in your life and not the negatives.
DEAR CALISTO 131,
Sorry I missed your reply last month…I don’t check my email much 4here cause its used only for these types of sites (psych/mental health/suicide)…
Problem is right now I don’t have time (slight family crisis arose) to read/focus/feel your message to respond…
I just read your first + last few lines quickly.
It’s very important to me to hear what you have to say…
And in advance, cause I kinda remember my “exaggerated” anger that day, which might have unfortunately come out as directed 2 you personally…It was NOT. Idk you, and U don’t know me, so if some1 like me write sonething that sounds kinda rude or mad JUST IGNORE THEM, and give benefit of doubt (someimes)
that they’re just having a bad day (or life (…
And 4 all those that are mean, cruel or selfish: BLOCK THEM!
Btw, I’m nice, just have had too may bad days over past 18 years. (I’m 55).
****I will reply later- hopefully tonight,
And I hope you are doing well,
And somehow my last note was a blessing or useful in some way, 4 U. (?)
I know you were very helpful to me,
To get to where I needed to be…
Kinda like a sharp turn for the direction of my spirit + life…
To be happy, whole + loving life again so I could once again feel loved + accepted (like I belong here on earth, alive, again (…
I took a few minutes to right all that,
So you might understand why I haven’t been around for last month.
(Busy), but more importantly,
Sometimes I need to get cliser vs stay away,
From varied things.
I learned a new word “triggers” when I joined a PC site about 2 years ago (when I 1st started thinking about suicide)…
And iften I’ve avoided this site fir long or short periods of time, because, I get triggered into a direction I don’t want to be (like thinking about + FOCUSING ON SUICIDE).
OK I know I sound weird, but it works for me=
Forcing my spirit or mind to reach towards whats best 4 me at that moment.
E.G. I have a zillion different playlists I jump to to change my mood. E.g. Too hyper or feeling crazed/overwhelmed I listen to my lists called things like “Peaceful or Tranquil”…
Discouaged, I listen 2 my Hopeful playlist (sings that touch me personslly and chanfe my mood from despair or discouaged to feeling a little hope.
Again, I will carefully read your response to me and I hope whatever I reply back to you with, is somehow useful or heloful or spirit-lifting.
And I probably need to also say (before I fully read your reply to me)..I’ve finally (almost perfected) my ability to RUN, instant shut-down of listening/hearing anybody (maliciously or meanly) atrackinf, insulting, putting me down.
I need/want to survive, and even be realky hapoy again, amd sadly those who di tgat (criticize me) withOUT also wanting what’s BEST 4 me,
Those types of people, which I had too many in my lufe before, MUST BE SHUT OFF ,
because healing a damaged/hurt spirit (feeling happy to be alive, again) IS A REALKY REALKY HARD THING TO DO (exhausting),
so I can’t risk being knocked down again (my good + accurate +healthy self image of myself) and although I’ve made many mistakes + have many flaws (things I’d like to change or improve) …
I’m really a very good + decent person (God thinks I’m very special, he made me and I think he’s always right- And he NEVER MAKES MISTAKES,
includes me, YOU + EVERYBODY…
Point (which u probably already got)=
I don’t need or want (no purpose) to hear anyone’s criticis, unless it’s said with LOVE, CARE or CONCERN…
And all those spirit-crushers of this world…
U know the type (s) people who INTENTIONALLY want to make you feel maf, sad, depressed, useless, incompetent, unworthy, a mistske 2 b born,
Etc. All of those I have zero space available 4 them in my life + they will just have to finf somebody else to attack/knock-down/destroy/kill.
About a month ago, God very clearly told me “HE WOULD NOT LET NE DIE”, it was said in the sense of like a parent lovingly scolding a child
(I’m 55 a Mom of 2 older sons, not little kids anymore ).
Well the effect when God powerfully told me HE was the BOSS, AND HE DID NOT LIKE MY PLAN (to die and go to heaven that day), and even conveyed strongly to me that he was much stronger than me and WAS NOT going to let me die, even if I still believed it was a good decision..
Although it’s gard to put this all into words, let’s just say God won, I lost,
I willingly respected (surrendered, gave in, ehatever word reinforces he was the boss and I became the little child obeying my oarent bevause RHEY know what’s best 4 me)
=his wishes (U was obedient to God, who is a God of life, NOT DEATH (murder +/or suicide )…
And I’ve never felt so Joyous, Thankful + excited (2 b alive) again, in my life.
It’s really bizarre, and a little (pleasantly) disruptive getting used to the new me- Every asoect if my life (because my heart feels LOVE again) has changed (behaviors).
Kokingly, a caring special make friend of mine refers to me as 2 people He’ll say GAIL (my 2st name) is coming back (a warning) when I’m sad, angry, or negatively overwhelmed…And he calks the new me “Kathryn” (my middle name) who is very loving, funny, passionate and loving many things again inevery aspect of my life…So much so (and of course he’s thrilled when I’m in a Kathryn mode, but Kathryn also sometimes enjoys life too much, hehe, so ad much ss we both enjoy Kathryn (care-free, adventurous and very kinda sexy/flirty.. Real life responsibilities, ge or I will say, Kathryn has to go away for now, so we can act serious and get things done.
It’s all really funny (recovering my healthy spurit)..I sometimes feel like a teenager (in a good way) excited + looking forward to the rest of my life.
One day I’ll be one (whole) person again. And I feel kunda bad calling “Gail” the negative/bad/unhappy (me) but she had a tremendous amounts of traumas and negative experiences in her life, that only the new (very loving + nice+ fun) Kathryn- a positive spirit I once had before life beat me up, could understand and want “me” 2 b mostly, for the future.
I can’t believe I very wuickly typed this riduculously long note (I just planned about 3 lines to tell you I’d come back later)…
But now that you’ve read about Gail+Kathryn=Me,
I promise I’ll only come back when BOTH parrs of my personality (spirit) are cooperating with each other + fully intact.
Nope the depressed+hopeless+angry+hurt “Gail”, new Kathryn is able to fully control,
because new me FEELS so much better (+Peace+Joy, and Safe:)
Old Gail, only had 1 goal (endpoint) on her mind, which was death=Not good and very unpleasant.
An appropriate ending for this note, because all I’ve been talking about (my life) typically has some song, I’m playing in background, to encourage (brainwash myself) to feel HOPE + positive or good things,
Ending or subject headline 4 this note
might be (4 us both)=
“Heaven’s HERE”… (MERCY ME)
https://youtu.be/zfQgGeIYWao
I have 13 song’s in my “Heaven” YouTube playlist-
My playlists change almost every day;
Kinda like MyLife.
YT lists just for myself to quickly find songs to make me feel better or better understand “life”.
***But listen 2 some of the other playlists +/or songs there…
*I think they might help you to stay on the best (most positive + good; Not bad or hurtful), PATH 4 YOUR LIFE 🙂 *
???
There REALLY are glimpses or sections of heaven, here on earth, we all just need to figure out how to get to that really great place.
Is different 4 everyone.
Ttyl. (If my brother doesn’t kill me now, 4 being really late) lol.
Add: Ignore all typos in my last note…I should have proofed before I pressed POST, but I am in a rush *late going somwhere. Sorry.
E.g. right=Write. Etc.
Add: I have to add another song link.
Hope it makes you laugh,
That I thought, after writing a ridiculoysly long note, trying 2 explain “My Life”,
this song (see link) really could have been (instead) posted
+ Saved Us Alot Of Time,
cause it summarizes me + my life really well.
Details ( our lives) really irrelevant,
Because life now seems very SIMPLE 2 ME—>
And if we HAVE (in our hearts),
ACCEPT+ both Give + Receive LOVE,
(which 4 me includes accepting/feeling God’s love completely),
…”EVERYTHING can/will be ok” 🙂
Really, I promise.
“Care” + “Caring” can replace word “LOVE” 4 people who don’t like that word.
Oops, I didn’t paste song link in my last post…
Sorry I’m not too good with writing when I’m in a big rush, these days.
=
A Great Song, by Big Daddy Weave called,
“My Story”.
https://youtu.be/1TKAN-nAsu8
If I ever do write my story (about shocking + unexpected things that have hapoened since around 1999),
I’d love for that to be my “theme song” 🙂
Lyrics says: “hear hope…hear love…hear victory,,,hear freedom…
hear life overcome the grave…”.
AND,
“…When Justice was served”.
Justice,
To me means,=Loss of, (they LOSE, I win) things like,
Decadence, Evil + Unnecessary Traumatic Events, which sadly most, and especially depressed or suicidal people have been exposed to, TOO MUCH.
Hi, Just checking if you saw my notes. I’ll check back tomorrow or in a few days.
Btw, I read all our notes here.
Mine are so intense they’re actually funny:)
(Not really me, seem a bit manic- which I’m aware of)…
As for your initial response to me, I’m glad (happy) you got my points…And
as I SUSPECTED, YOU ARE NOT A SPOILED BRAT,
but rather some1 who too gas had traumas,
Including the most basic disconnection,
Most of us have, which is a very confusing (unhealthy) “love” and lack of “acceptance”,
When we were growing up.
What jumped out at me in your note were 2 things,
1. You said,”My parents would hit me for it and yell things. But, …”
Without another too long explanation (now),
I must TELL YOU, there is NO ” but”…
I too made excuses 4 my Mother (not loving or accepting + verbal (spirit-crushing) abuse…
IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE + RIGHT.
Nothing is a valid excuse for a parent not loving + protecting + accepting their child…Nothing!
That was the first wrong turn (not your fault!) in the paths/journey 4 your life.
I had that awakening in my late 20’s, after a rocky marriage put me in therapy for the 1st time.
Fortunately she forced me 2 accept some things, my Mom was not a nice person and it wad 100% wrong how she treated her 4 children)- I think you should try to address that so the little children within you can heal.
You still can be somehow involved with your parents, but unless they now treat you wonderfully, getting away from their negative behavior is MANDATORY to heal and feel good.
Btw my Mom is now like 90, still verbally abusive to me (knocking me down) but fortunately I only allow myself to be exposed 2 her few times a year.
Last time was in January and trust me if anybody could act a way to assure (push me) to kill myself, it would be my Mother:(
Run! And if you can’t ($reasons) BUILD UP REALLY STRONG ARMOR, 2 protect you from their spirit-crushing attacks.
How you can build up yourself (be more unaffected by negative things they say/do I couldn’t tell you (I don’t know them).
But with my Mom I do things like, when she insults me, I compliment myself.
E.g. She says ” You are always so hard to get along with”
I name to myself a bunch of people who say the exact opposite things 2 me like, “You are so friendly and outgoing …Or ” You were so much fun to be with when…” etc.
Having a loving + kind SO does wonders, but when you don’t, you HAVE TO SAY + DO NICE THINGS 2+4 YOURSELF:)
It’s kind of like POSITIVE brainwashing. (Truths + it works most of the time).
#2 and maybe#3 thing you wrote, that my heart wants to respond to, I’ll save 4 another time (It’s late 12:00 midnight).
Thanks 4 distracting my mind for awhile.
My good day unexpectedly fell apart big time this evening (a huge put-down or I guess big disagreement with somebody I really care about) and some other bad stuff…
but like you, if I try really hard I’ll survive it withOUT sinking into despair. Idk.
Or maybe just go to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.
And I have to mention, YOU ARE AT GREATER RISK (of falling too low) since you’ve tried to kill yourself already.
Please try to set-up a plan, (I have a few for myself) so whenever you sink that low, you can pull yourself up before it becomes uncontrollable.
Living is much harder than dying-
And I really want you to live because you seem like a very sensitive, caring and both intelligent and insightful person. There’s not enough of you around with those special talents…
And I have 1 question for you, you’ve done (experience with, that I haven’t):
Do you feel better or worse (overall) from the romantic attention?
You said, “Realized I measure my worth by the romantic attention I receive.. ”
I ask because now I’m more interested in men + relationships (when I snapped out of the ’empty, I wanna die mode of thinking’
But I don’t think I’m strong enough to deal with the ups + downs and risk of rejection relationships have.
What do you think?
Should I wait until I’m stronger or just go out now, do what I want to have fun?
I hate being alone so much, but think a man (if it doesn’t work out) could be too crushing? Idk.
I’m sort of “involved” with somebody a little (actually it’s kind of intense + fun/pleasant)
but he’s “not available” so I’ve been telling him our “friendship” must end (cool off) because if I get my life back completely, I know I need somebody else whose heart is totally open and available to love, (I sense his may never be).
Is the “romantic attention” fun or worth it?
Or is being alone the safer/bettrr/more stable choice?
(Yes, I was hiding out too, but if I’m committed to being alive, I don’t want to (hide) anymore.
And G.L.A.D. stands for: “God’s Liaison Against Decadence” or something like that.
A very long story, but something I feel obligated to do so all the selfish, $ worshipping people in this world, stop thinking it’s ok to ignore those in desperate need.
And btw it’s those who say (lie) that they love & obey God + Jesus,
but do nothing to help those in great need, +/or those who get away with immoral, illegal acts,
that piss me off the most.
Yep, this world can really suck (all aspects) and I simply can’t shut-up anymore.
Ttyl.
GAIL Kathryn
Thanks- ttyl.
I realized tonight I’m not as “life secure” as I thought. I doubt I will ever seriously think/plan dying again (suicide), but it did pop in my mind I thought/wished “I could just be dead”, after a few in-a-row really bad things happened today.
And btw, I know I should be on some sort of
Mind-blocking medication to calm down and not take things so seriously,
, but I don’t have health insurance (can’t afford it).