I met a girl on my therapy group who also broke up with her ex several weeks ago, we took a couple of walks together, comforted each other because we were in kind of the same situation, and she ended up coming to my apartment to stay the night. She’s a nice person, and I like her, but from the moment that things started to get romantic, it gave me this sense of unease, like what we were doing wasn’t right. My ex kept creeping back into my mind, and that only made me feel more guilty because I wasn’t focusing on the girl I was with.
I had the expectation that this was going to feel like it used to before the breakup, but it didn’t. I know my ex, how she moves, what she smells like, where she is ticklish and where she has scars, what food she likes and what places she likes to go, how she hates the sound of napkins, how she gets mad at me for leaving glasses on the counter and toothpaste stains on the faucet, how easy it is to pick her up and throw her on the couch, how she loved to call me tallie and her smallie. Everything felt so unfamiliar now.
My ex has dated and slept with several guys since she left, and she didn’t seem to have any remorse over that. Yet here I am feeling like I am being unfaithful because I am doing things with someone else that once were so special to us. It felt good to be desired by someone, but instead of helping me get over my ex this experience made me miss her even more.
8 comments
heyyy 🙂
I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain 🙁
my heart & prayers are with you
I think you are still hurting
& this will always affect any emotional connections you would try to make with anyone or anything
please consider taking a “long” break from any emotional / romantic ties
[long as in: as long as you actually need, don’t rush]
& please calmly explain that to the new girl
you could remain friends
but there has to be limits so that you would- both- not get hurt
I think your heart desperately needs that break to heal
& just because your ex moved on that fast [which, I think, is not normal btw] doesn’t mean you have to move on fast too
you are free now
it’s all about you
take it at your own pace
would that be okay with you?
I hope & pray you’d feel much much better very very soon
Yeah, we already talked about it, and she said she’s fine with just staying friends. I don’t know how I could heal and move on though as long as I am still emotionally attached to my ex, and as long as the thought/ hope of getting back together keeps lingering in the back of my mind. She’s all I ever think about, and right now I just can’t imagine anyone replacing her and what we had together.
The funny thing about love is you have to bet your heart on it.
I did, and it looks like I lost my bet 🙁 guess I’m gonna have to learn to live without a heart for the rest of my life, unless she plans on giving it back to me.
Ah, it’s not like that. You grow a new one.
With past breakups I would be the one like your girlfriend, so maybe I can try to explain, in my case at least. It has nothing to do with how deeply you loved someone, it’s simply about turning it off or redirecting it. Imagine hate instead. Suppose you hate someone intensely, but one day they humble themselves, apologize sincerely and do something really nice for you. Theoretically, you should be able to turn your hate off like a switch. If they are sincere and they are trying their best to make up for their mistakes, you would be a real douchebag if you continued to hate them. Of course there are people who continue hating, and nothing will ever stop them from hating the person.
See where I’m going with this? Love can follow the same pattern. Some people, if they are betrayed or for whatever reason, they can switch off love as fast as some people can switch off hate. Then there are others whose emotions linger for whatever reason. Maybe she never wronged you, so as far as you’re concerned she’s still the person you loved. Or maybe she did wrong you, but your emotions linger for a while. I’m guessing in her case she hit the cutoff switch, maybe she has her reasons or maybe she just has a sensitive switch.
My last breakup was harsh but quick. I think I spent a month feeling sorry for myself, but then some friends took me out and I met someone and had a romantic connection instantly. I never felt guilty, it was more like the emptiness was filled with a nice distraction. So even though the new romance was fleeting, it was really nice because it closed the old book and allowed me to move on. The past is done and nothing will change how much we loved each other. But the rules of the game and the players change, like if your favorite team trades an athlete to a rival team. You can still respect the athlete but you have to realize they’re on the team now.
*the other team now
How is that love any good if she can literally just turn it off at her liking? It wasn’t a single incident, or even betrayal that made her do that. It was a process of several weeks where she reevaluated our relationship and determined for herself that I had been a shitty person the entire time and now am “not her type anymore.” No, the fact that she could hurt me and then forget about me so easily makes all the “I love you” she said before utter lies. Real love can’t be turned off like a switch, no matter what might have happened.
Back when we were still together, she was so scared of losing me that she wanted me to commit to her unconditionally, to prove to her that I would not abandon her. And that’s what I did. She cut herself and talked about taking her life to force me into that role, and she left me no other option than to become that person. And now that she has abandoned me, I am still so emotionally attached to her that I can barely think about anything else. She used me and then left me in the ditch, but still I cannot freaking change how I feel about her. I hate her and I love her at the same time, and it makes my mind explode.