I had a dream last night that I came into possession of a gun, and could finally blow my head off. But I was too soft to pull the trigger, even in a damn dream. After 5 years of misery and multiple attempts, you’d think I’d jump at the chance for such an easier way out compared to some. I woke up and instantly wish I hadn’t. The amount of regret I have for a stupid dream is astounding, and I absolutely abhor my weak, weak self. Is it that survival instinct people talk about? Is it the unknown of after? Is it the people I’ll leave behind? Or the promise I made? Why?
I can’t get it out of my head. But it leaves me to ponder… what would happen in real life?
4 comments
Your dream reminds me of the song, “Mad World” by Gary Jules..
“The dreams in which i’m dying are the best i’ve ever had”
I can understand where your coming from, I also have attempted suicide, but even though I own guns, I couldn’t bring myself to shoot myself. It was because theres a part of me that doesn’t want to give up. I came to realize that my suicide attempt was a way for me to find out if I was meant to be here or not. I told myself if I survived than I would take it as a sign that I was meant to do more in this world and my life. Since than, Everyday I struggle to find the strength and will to carry on.
I had a gun what happened in real life was fucking shit. I finally had the oppurtinity to get it and jumped at it and then I didn’t do it cause I had a rental car. So I take back the rental car and transfer it to my other car and go home take a nap. When I wake up I was gonna drive off and do it how I planned and I wake up to ****** cops yelling at me and I am sent in their car that smells like rotten eggs and transferred to a psych ward where I am raped in my drugged sleep by a 70 year old man and stuck their with a bunch of stupid faggots who work there for 28 days. I wish I would have just done it despite it being a rental car! I was just concerned the car wouldn’t get returned!! Ew God every day I have to fucking live with that nasty experience. They also broke my neck there.
I probably wasn’t even gonna shoot myself but the experience that happened afterwards made me want to!! I just wanted it for a back up plan and also so I could go shooting for fun. Jesus Christ. Then they fucking take it like it’s not my fucking property, I don’t get my fucking 450$ back cause the lame duck fucking nasty Chinese guy who sold it to me wouldn’t fucking text me back after I gave him 450$ to fucking give me a bill of sale. And I’m broke as fuck right so I lose 450$. And the place I was staying at was nastier than fucking miss Crabtree’s fucking vagina it was so gross and the workers were hideously nasty. I swear to god sex offenders are drawn to me like moths to a flame. That’s like the 3rd out of 14th time a sex offender has got a hold of me and it’s so gross.
@Username123 I want to apologize for the really late reply! I hope I didn’t offend you in not responding. After I couldn’t go through with my Suicide Attempt I tried to move on and not dwell on the failure and so I had to do what I could to not trigger myself. We’ll i’m still carrying on, but i’m back on the site so I can vent again. Thankfully I went back through all my posts and comments to catch up on replies that I failed to respond to. Are you still here?