Hi there,
I need someone to listen, and not judge.
I need someone who understands the pain I have been feeling for a very long time….
I will tell you a little about what I am dealing with right now.
I am depressed. I know a lot of people say that but I truly mean it. I am so fu*king depressed. Why? Because of my fiance. We have been together for 2 years this month. And for the whole first year and a half, I always caught him looking at porn.
I know some people say, Why is porn so bad?
But when you catch the person you love watching it. It devastates you. I feel depressed because my body does not look like those girls. And it hurts knowing that is what my fiance likes. When I confronted him he always says, I was a little boy I do not watch it anymore blah blah blah. He knows how much he hurt me, but he kept doing it.
Now I am so depressed about my body, I cry almost everyday wishing I looked different. Knowing I can never look like those porn girls just make me so fu*king depressed. I want to die. I don’t want to be in this body anymore. I have told my fiance the way I am feeling, and he tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me the way I am and he does not want to hear it. But if he loved me the way I was then why did he look in the first place?
Everywhere I go I see girls who look better than me. I envy them. I look at myself, and it just makes me feel so bad about myself.
I don’t want to be me anymore.
I don’t want to be trapped in this body anymore.
I’ve tried dieting, and exercising to lose some weight. It is hard, when I work a full time desk job. I never have time to go to the gym.
I just do not know anymore. I am sad. Everyday. I hate myself. So much.
I can’t help this feeling of depression. I feel as if no one cares. My fiance certainly doesn’t.
Everyday my insecurities eat away at me. It just is getting worse and worse. I hate myself more and more each day.
I am not happy anymore. I am not happy…..
58 comments
🙁
love, I’m so so sorry you’re in so much pain…
my heart goes out to you
<3
I have a lot to say & to explain
but may I first ask you
regarding your engagement…
was it his idea / initiative to get engaged ?
was he the one who proposed to you?
<3 <3 <3
Yes, he was the one who originally proposed. But the thing is he knew how I felt and he kept doing it 🙁 Why hurt someone you love?
He might end up cheating on you if that’s his attitude (not caring about your feelings and not being honest). It doesn’t matter what it’s about, if the other person puts their needs before yours without trying to ensure that you BOTH are happy, then it means they are too immature for a relationship.
You also need to know what you want, and what you’re willing to tolerate when it comes to perceived flaws in a p.artner, and maybe you need to work on your self-esteem so that you can believe someone when they tell you that they care about you (if their actions match with their words, that is).
Um… let me try to explain it froa a guy’s perspective:
Porn is just fiction. Just like if you watch a movie, you don’t ditch your real friends because they aren’t like the actors on screen.
It is okay that you don’t look like the women in porn. He probably doesn’t look like the men in porn either. It’s just a fantasy.
If he can still have sex with you and be there for you, there is no problem.
But it does sound as if you guys have some communication problems. You’re not listening to him when he says he likes you the way you are. And he’s not being honest about his porn use.
Men are always going to watch porn. Hate to break it to you. For us guys it’s not a big deal, at all. We’re not thinking about cheating on you. We’re not going to dance according to your female jealousy. Sorry. Men and women think differently. That’s just the way it is. You can’t change him, and you don’t need to.
As a female, I like all kinds of different body types (both men and women). If I really like someone, I’m not going to leave them for a “hot body.”
So I sometimes watch porn, and when I’m dating people they know this, and they know they have no reason to be concerned. Some couples can show each other the porn they like and they don’t have a problem (mostly), but it can become an issue when you feel you have to go behind someone’s back.
If it really bothers you, then maybe break up with this person and find someone who likes people in porn who look like you. Heh…
Honesty and open communication and willingness to be a team and solve issues is paramount if you want a relationship to work.
Two years is a pretty good indicator of how well you get along, too. If it’s not that great now, then you two may not be compatible.
Sorry but what the fuck is up with all these male-perspective vs female-perspective attitudes. Gender doesn’t matter, if your partner tells you one of your habits is deeply hurtful, then change it if you’re not a selfish knob. Not that it matters but I’m male and enjoy porn, but when my girlfriend told me how much it bothers her I quit cold turkey. Actually I started using pictures of her, with her joyous consent, to get myself happy when she wasn’t around. My point is if you care about someone, you (he) wont hide behind some ridiculous convenient stereotype about how it’s normal for guys to watch porn. It’s normal for guys to stare at good looking girls too but if you hurt your girlfriend/fiancée/wife by doing it you need to crawl back into you’re cave, man. Gdoll729 if I may be blunt, he’s the bottom of the male offerings. Guys I know are not like that, believe it or not.
Now YOU sound like a catch. (I mean that sincerely.)
You are absolutely right about considering your p.artner’s feelings. My exes refused to consider mine, and that is why I’m single. 🙂
Uh-huh. And some people have porn addictions. Does that mean that they’re bottom feeding scum, like drug addicts I assume? It’s really not a big deal, and I’ve never heard about a guy complaining about his girlfriend watching porn, and the exception (if there is one) is not the rule… so female vs male perspective will inevitably come into play.
If someone got upset over something as trivial as me watching porn, I’d tell them to get lost (and hopefully mature a little).
The issue here is NOT CONSIDERING YOUR P.ARTNER’S FEELINGS.
What if you had a girlfriend who was super into going to stripclubs to watch male dancers and get lap dances from them, and maybe these guys would get handsy? Would you be ok with your girl being grinded on and felt up by another guy? What if she told you, “Oh but it’s all just for fun, it’s just a fantasy, it’s not real.”
Yeah, the half-naked dude rubbing his boner on your girlfriend is definitely just faking it.
What if you thought you really cared about her, but she didn’t care about your feelings in regards to this issue? She kept going to the strip club, then told you later it’s not a big deal.
So, in the end, no matter how much you cared, you would break up… because she clearly did not value YOU enough as an individual to want to think of your needs and your standards. Just like the strippers, all you were was an object to her.
So yeah, f**k people like that and I hope their miserable asses stay single because no one can put up with them for long.
P.S. If I end up staying single for the rest of my life, it’s because I’ve decided that dealing with the flaws of anyone but myself just isn’t worth the bullshit. Become attached to people and they betray you. Nothing new there.
nobody, you sound like you’re either young/inexperienced or incapable of maintaining a loving relationship. In either case, please stop speaking for the male gender with puerile statements like “Men are always going to watch porn. That’s just the way it is.”
nepheliad, bingo! Considering your loved one’s feelings is all there is to it. I hate when men (or women) hide behind gender stereotypes as an excuse for being inconsiderate. If you realize you’re hurting your significant other, you’ll make changes in yourself, not because you have to but because you WANT to.
Good for you, choosing to stay single rather than sticking with a jerk. Why would anyone lock themselves into an unsatisfying relationship and throw away their chances of meeting the right one? I agree, wouldn’t it be great if everyone just refused to date/marry/procreate with inconsiderate jerks? Then like natural selection they would die out alone and deservedly miserable. And the good ones could come out of hiding. By the way I’m no great catch, but thanks for the vote of confidence 🙂 I have too many demons on my back to be a functioning human.
Neph, I love how you take a guy watching porn and jump to the female (in)equivalent of your girlfriend jacking off a guy. This guy isn’t rubbing girls down, mmkay? I don’t know where you got that absurd idea.
You SEE? A male transgression is worth fifty in the mind of a female! Watching porn equates to her being able to go out and give handjobs out of revenge! LMAO! You sound like a tween, neph.
Wait, seriously nepheliad? When did watching porn become the same as going to the strip club and grinding on the dancers? It’s not exactly the same thing, is it now?
smh. To all you kiddies who are arguing the geometry of male/female privates and failing to see the issue is RECOGNIZING WHEN YOU ARE UPSETTING YOUR LOVED ONES, all I can say is please abstain from posting until you’ve had your 1st date. Scratch that, your 2nd, to prove you can be a gentleman and not some misogynistic creep. I guess it’s no wonder that loneliness is the #1 complaint around here. I feel for people who are kind considerate souls who got dealt a bad hand in love. But those who can’t even grasp simple compassion will never grasp love.
It doesn’t get better No one is talking to you
Uh duhhhh. That’s what I meant (what It Doesn’t Get Better) said.
I was trying to explain a scenario where a guy might get mad at a girl and she thinks it’s totally fine, but because she’s not considering your feelings, you break up (or suffer).
Porn is not equivalent to what I said. It’s simply the intention of not thinking about the other party.
(I already said I like porn! Get off my case!)
nobody – you could’ve fooled me the the way you keep replying to my comment. Please now. I’m being serious, not trying to insult you… It’s obvious you’ve never had a girlfriend much less a wife or fiancée so stop trying to give advice on that subject. Ok kid?
nepheliad – I thought that was the point plain and simple, but I guess it illustrates how some people just aren’t cut out for relationships. I appreciate the people who tried to comfort the OP, downplaying the role of porn. But when love-clueless punks try to sit there defending the asshole by saying “duuuh me MAN. ME WATCH PORN” it really offends me as a male. But we just have to keep reminding ourselves here and in society, the ignorant ones don’t represent us, they just kick and scream louder.
Did someone hear the wind blowing?
nobody – Jesus son, I remember when you could (at least pretend to) hold a discussion like an adult. But for weeks I’ve seen you on a one way spiral to infantile. If you can’t pull out for your own good, at least please abstain from serious threads and allow adults to discuss matters beyond your expertise (again not meant as an insult but please wake up and show some consideration. People have real problems on this site and need real help so please troll elsewhere). I now present you the gift of a baby rattle and the last word, use them wisely.
AHHHHHHH! The SATISFACTION!! Yeesss, YEEEESSSS! The last word is MINE!!! MINE!! MUHUHAHAHAHAHA!!
It takes two to tango.
(If you actually acknowledged any of my points instead of getting unnecessarily defensive maybe I’d talk to you. Your angle seems to be ‘kiddies’ and ‘Look at me, I’m not like all those OTHER guys’.)
Show me your dignity, hotshot.
Last!
Watching porn is sort of like window shopping. You’re looking at stuff you’re interested in, but you’re not gonna buy it and take it home. You’re just looking, and looking at something you’re not gonna get isn’t a crime.
Don’t compare yourself to porn stars. Thats like comparing yourself to an Olympic athlete, a rock-star, or a billionaire. Those people are in the top 1%, which means 99% of the population are “beneath” them. Not everyone is created equally; the guy with the mammoth shlong or the chick with the massive rack= you’ll never be him/her, and that’s fine. Just be you.
If it’s meant to be it’ll happen, if not then it won’t. Either way you’ll be ok.
Haha. Such a fucking shallow perspective. Holy cow.
I think “realistic” is the word you were struggling to find.
Right. Celebrities and models and porn stars with surgically enhanced body parts possess special elite DNA bestowed upon them by aliens that the rest of their proletarian slaves did not receive. We’re trash and they’re of noble blood. Makes sense.
*eye roll*
This is how you know that all humans were created equal: watch a movie like the ones where Godzilla comes in smashing buildings, destroying planes, and see everyone running away screaming in fear of their lives. In that moment, is the richest or most physically fit or well-endowed person any different from a homeless guy? No.
Hardly.
The world isn’t fair and we’re not all created equally. Some people have gifts that most don’t. A genius IQ, the ability to consistently hit three pointers, the talent of Mozart or Van Halen, staggering beauty = not everyone’s got it. How many people are 7 foot 6? (Very few).
Aliens have nothing to do with it, (what a silly counter-argument). The cosmic dealer hands out the cards and you play the hand that you’re dealt. (Poker metaphor if that went over your head).
People are people to me and that’s all I have to say there. Sure, some have special gifts or traits in comparison to the average, but they are still flawed humans.
I was making a reference to the Illuminati and other cults (sorry that that went over your head).
In the bottom right hand corner it says ‘please be kind’.
I’ll honor that request and restrain myself from engaging in a battle of wits with an unarmed individual. 🙂
Good Day.
Right. Best stop before you tell me to go off myself.
All human beings suck equally and that is why I have very few friends. 🙂
Right.
The problem is obviously “everyone else” considering how you’re perfect.
If you applied the advice you give to others to yourself perhaps your life would improve.
Hypocrisy; When a person’s actions contradict their stated beliefs.
I personally find hypocrites amusing because they’re so lacking in self awareness, but with you it’s kinda sad. You just don’t get it, and I kinda doubt you ever will.
Whatevs. Cheers, lonely Lass.
I just said “all human beings.” Last I checked my birth certificate said I belong to this species too. (That’s not hypocrisy.)
So you hate yourself and you think you suck?
Gawd I hate this site. Now I’m really leaving. Damaged goods aren’t fun people to congregate with, I’m getting more beer.
I don’t hate myself, I just dislike my life. All I’m living for is money. (To spend on alcohol, food, rent, etc.) That’s sad.
I expect you’re already at some watering hole, so have at it. Plenty of f**ked up people congregate at bars.
People at bars are far more joyous than patrons here.
Living to earn is as common as cutting a fart, that’s what self sufficient adults do. Welcome to adulthood.
What’s the alternative? Go live in a treehouse? (Nothing wrong with that).
Schooled.
Yeah well, this is generally my experience when I go to a bar:
*Walks in, looks around, sits as far away from the other patrons as possible, while still in front of a TV that’s playing sports*
Some guy casually strolls over. “Hey, is anyone sitting here? Mind if I join you?”
Sometimes they buy me a drink, sometimes not.
We start talking and they tell me their life story and complain about their exes. At the end of the conversation they ask to trade numbers. If the dude was kind of interesting I say sure, even if I know I wouldn’t date him.
Later on he texts or calls. I ignore it. Often the guys text or call a second time. I continue to ignore it.
I go on with my life with no unnecessary drama.
(I should have avoided giving out my number in the first place though.)
Blah. I don’t give a fuck about anything anymore.
The new topic here might be, the minority inside the beast.
@nepheliad: I like your sincerity. I feel compassion and even some love for you. I think your presence is welcome on this site. Women always bring some feminine energy with them and that’s a good thing. Never mind about the negative comments.
The question becomes, what is a minority and what is the beast itself.
But then we’d be talking about only old news.. Howdy, btw
@gdoll729: Sorry for going off-topic on your thread. Feel free to delete any comments you don’t want here. (Go into the dasbboard, click “all posts,” then you’ll see this one, and if you click on the drop-down menu you’ll see Comments. Click on how many are listed, and from there you can click “Trash” on any you don’t like.)
I wish you the best.
Not everything is solved by going back and deleting things you don’t like. You were CLEARLY instigating here. Why can’t you just leave Morris alone when he posts? He made his own point. Why do you feel compelled to respond with “Haha. Such a fucking shallow perspective. Holy cow.” ??? You’re literally making Morris an outcast and unable to post on this site. I don’t care what kind of relationship you two had irl, but that is wrong.
Do you think your response was kind? Or do you feel like you’re above the rules because you’re an ‘old timer’ and you know Morris offline? Because I hate to break it to you, but neither one excuses you. 100%, the negativity on this thread was caused by you.
I don’t mince words, and I try to be fair when I observe a situation. And quite bluntly, the problem seems to be you. How you’re dealing with Morris, and not the other way around. PLEASE check yourself before blurting out whatever ad hominem comes to mind.
And don’t bother using words to respond to this message, please. I’m not interested in words. You need to go sit in a dark room, and think hard for a while about what you are doing.
I did like reading your posts at one point, so I’m not necessarily going to advocate for using a banhammer on you. But you’re losing my respect, nepheliad. You’re making this site about you and Morris, and taking every opportunity you can get to argue with him and insult him.
Honestly, I’m thinking of leaving this site for a while just because of how petty you’ve made it. Which would be sad for me. So once again. Please. Stop. Instigating.
It’s hilarious how everyone wants to blame me for everything. Have you not read anything he’s said to me?
Fuck this, i need a break from this site, you’re right.
Also – I am overworked, don’t sleep much, dealing with various problems, so yes, I have anger issues. I shouldn’t take them out here, but it fucking pisses me off when someone tells others, “You’re not equal to “conventionally beautiful people in entertainment.” The fuck. That’s not what you tell people who already want to kill themselves.
Look nep, I know Morris is a huge douche to you. No one is disputing that. But if you look back at the conversation, you’ll see that Morris was just responding to the post, and you started the whole thing off by insulting him.
There are so many people to talk to on sp. Why respond to Morris when you know you have nothing nice to say to him?
I honestly do like you. Your posts are engaging, and you often say things that are on my mind as well. That’s why I’m trying to let you know that this isn’t necessarily on Morris. I don’t want you to leave, nep. I just wish you’d stop getting into meaningless ad hominem fights with the same person over and over again.
Ideally, you two could post on the same threads without starting to personally insult each other, or hijack the thread? That’s all I ask.
Ask him why he does it. *Try* to understand him. Tell him you don’t find it acceptable. If he refuses to give it up, leave. It doesn’t matter whether it is porn, alcohol, drugs, or trombone playing. He is in an addictive process. If he refuses to stop or can’t stop or refuses to get help then your choices are down to suffering and staying or leaving.
Your body is fine. You are probably the least qualified person to judge it. Practice stopping those bad thoughts. I always agitate for people to give up TV and Facebook. Consider it.
Seriously, start reading pro-feminism, pro-self-acceptance self-help books. If anyone gives you a hard time about doing this, avoid them.
As someone who experienced astral projection or depersonalization or whatever it was when I was younger I can tell you that when you are actually outside of your body it doesn’t look anything like what you think it does. And it definitely doesn’t look as bad as you think. I miss that experience. Stop looking in the mirror so much(if you are). Mirrors cannot be trusted. They are a lie. That’s why they are everywhere in health clubs(what a misnomer). They know they are reinforcing the lie and making money from it. And the added obsession with looks/duality/comparison in our society reinforces the lie. Seesmith above is right. The TV and the many other sources are powerful influences. Ditch them and read positive stuff.
Oh, and dump that selfish loser. He’s a bad mirror for you.
There is a possibility that he’s addicted to porn. If that’s it, then it really doesn’t have anything to do with you, just with him. Males themselves have a stronger sexual drive than females, so also that it makes it difficult for them to consent only to occasional sex with their partner. Also, masturbation is never about the partner. It’s about watching at an eye-catching candy. You may appreciate its view but, in fact, you wouldn’t like to have it because what you already have is enough. You may see that it’s softer or rougher and because of that appealing but you don’t want to have it. You already have what you wanted so this thing doesn’t matter at all.
Still, the most important thing in any relationship is trust and understanding. Try to talk to him. To understand his perspective. Don’t judge or he’ll become defensive and lie to you again.
Tread softly.
You may have unconsciously done it before. Ask why he does it. Don’t ask what they have that you don’t. Tell him that it hurts you, that you just want to understand why.
Just listen to him out and decide then, okay? If the answer doesn’t suit you, leave. If it does… well, the problem solved, hm?
Thank you everyone for your support. Its hard being a 21 year old female in this day and age. Society tell you that being skinny with a big butt is considered “Beautiful.”
I am only 4’11. I am told I have to weigh under a certain amount for my height, but I am def not that weight. It sucks. Some days I just want to walk in front of a car. I hate my body. It doesn’t help when my fiance watched all that porn. It made me hate the body I am in. He tells me he does not watch it, however I just have that feeling deep down hes lying.
I am depressed. I want to just be taken away from all the pain. 🙁
Hey gdoll729, in all this talk of relationships, stereotypes and the implications of porn, I forgot the most important issue: how you feel about your body. There’s no quick answer to that, trust me, I have struggled with image issues all my life. I’ll say one thing works for me though, I steer clear of people who put too much emphasis on looks. Instead I hang around and go out on dates with people who share a common, and stronger, interest than superficial stuff. Volunteering for a charitable cause is a quick way to cut through the plastic bs… and you meet really hot people who treat you like an equal. That in turn boosts your confidence.
But it doesn’t have to be charity, that’s just one example. If you have a talent, focus on that. Find a way to be respected, even if it’s in a small group. But don’t take my word for it. Remember what David Bowie sang…
Well he was only 5’3″
But girls could not resist his stare
Pablo Picasso never got called an asshole
Anyway, as for the people complaining about porn watching here, if you give it up because someone else nags you, congratulations; do you want me to give you your medal now, or later?
It’s merely a matter of perspective. Let’s try to be realistic, people. Simply because someone complains about something and you refuse to comply because it is objectively harmless (unless she doesn’t put a star up on your chart), doesn’t mean you lack compassion. The only thing your girlfriend not wanting you to watch porn does is show insecurity and delusion, which is MUCH more unattractive to a man than your body will ever be. The plain fact is they’re trying to make it about THEM, when it’s not. It’s easy to understand compassion, to have compassion for the people who try to impose their viewpoint on you is something else. Just because someone THINKS you watching porn means you want to cheat doesn’t mean you DO want to cheat on them, and if they don’t understand even that much, you should probably break up with them, because they lack compassion.
Frankly put, it’s stupid. Get real people.
“I never understood why girls sweat their boyfriends watching porn. It shows insecurity and delusion. Like I’m gonna bounce on our relationship or I’m cheating by watching porn??
#womanlogic”
I’ve heard stories about women beating up their boyfriends for watching porn, lol. But not the other way around.
“if he loved me the way I was then why did he look in the first place?”
Because some people like sexual variety? It doesn’t mean he necessarily sees you as less attractive than other women. Just maybe that he sometimes finds the idea of being with many different women more arousing than monogamy. Maybe he has a higher sex drive than you. Maybe he has other sexual issues – addiction etc.
If him watching porn is a red line for you then that’s totally fine – you have every right to break it off. I just wouldn’t necessarily take it as a sign that he doesn’t love you or find you attractive.
The idea that you should be the only one he finds desirable for the rest of your life is unfortunately unlikely. I don’t think that’s how libido works for most people. That says nothing about you or your attractiveness. Even celebrity couples universally renowned for their beauty seem to struggle to stay faithful.
That said, if you’ve made it clear to him how much it’s hurt you and he’ll still continued (and lied about it), perhaps you’re right to ask how much he really cares. Maybe moving on with your life would bring your self-respect back, so you can start to love yourself again.
*he’ll = he’s
Wow gdoll, you have such sexy curves!! Why do you hate your body? I think you look sexy. I’m sure many men would also agree.
The issue of porn aside, why be with a man who doesn’t make you feel good about yourself? I just watched a documentary last night about a girl who’s bf kept telling her she’s ugly, someone who after breaking up with him, became Miss Great Britain. Miss Great Britain!! Obviously she is pretty but isn’t it funny how there’s always someone to make us feel bad about ourselves?
Is the issue just about porn with your fiance or is there more? Does he buy you flowers and tell you you’re pretty? Does he say nice things about your body or your say nice things about you in general? Does he say how much he loves and appreciates you? And how you make his life so much better and nicer with you in it? These are the things that fiances are supposed to say to their significant others. And make them feel loved and appreciated. Maybe I’m over reaching here, but I feel like there’s more to it than just the porn?
O
gdoll
@gdoll
OH MY GOD
seriously gdoll,
all the talk above aside…
if that’s you in that pic.
:O
I’m speechless
you are “S T U N N I N G”
I’m not gonna get into that other issue cause I think all the comments above pretty much covered all possible perspectives & explanations to you
but one thing I will say for sure
if your boyfriend is actually telling you / ever told you
that you’re not hot / pretty
the least- & most respectable- thing I can say
is that I hold a huge exclamation mark on his taste
like “I’m sorry, what ?!!!!!”
if you’r not “The Hotness”
I don’t know what could possibly be…
babe you are gorgeous 🙂
<3
& I'll tell you what
even if
just if- an imaginary situation here-
this was not the case
please please don't ever ever feel down about your looks
or what anyone says about them
I know looks "feel" important to us
but I really hope you could get to an acceptance that looks are merely the cover of very very large book with so so many pages inside
to the wise & the true man/woman
the pages & what's written in them
are 1 million times more important
than how good or appealing the cover looks
u c what i'm trying to say here love
it's ur heart & ur mind that are most most precious
looks come so far after
xoxo
<3
& btw
I’m here if you ever wish to talk or need help with anything
my email is
farahlajeennouraldeen.1@gmail
contact me any time
okay
<3