I’m so so ugly inside and very much outside. Is it even possible that anyone would ever love me or think I’m beautiful? I don’t think I’d ever believe someone if they said that.
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If you are “loved” only for what you look like or what you do, it isn’t love. It is empty infatuation or an opportunity to be used by someone. You can and should be loved for who you are. When we loathe ourselves however it creates a barrier difficult for others to see through and that pushes others away. It’s why I am alone and hopeless. But you will be loved if you love yourself.
I guess that’s the problem then. I don’t think I will ever be able to love myself :-(.
I don’t think I am capable of loving cept for one that knows that inside they are just as ugly as any of us. Romantic love is a fantasy on this planet. Yet we can love as brother loves brother. We can love that sweet agape love, as a parent loves a child. Screwed up, fucked up, broken, dead inside and out, yet breathing still. One man’s ugly is another man’s character or beautiful. Beauty is in the mind and in the heart. My heart is almost dead, yet love it does. Find beauty it does. There is nothing more beautiful than trying to give up and not being allowed to. Buck up soldier, you aren’t alone on this sinking ship that is solitude.
I hit every branch on the ugly tree on the way down too. I’ve never been in a relationship or felt at all lovable. I’ve pondered this a lot. Whether true romantic love exists? I sure haven’t seen many who stayed together and still genuinely appeared to love each other. I know if I had been surrounded by happy loving couples I probably would have had the courage to off myself years ago. I’m afraid I fed upon the consistent failure of the relationships around me to feel better about my state. “I’m so sorry…is there anything I can do….”(stifles a laugh).
Sometimes I think the only true love is the love good parents have for their children. A love so powerful they wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice their lives for their children. I would have sacrificed myself to save my father from cancer if possible but that wasn’t really that commendable as I was suicidal anyways.
Nothing worse than being ugly. Everyone avoids me like the bubonic plague. It’s very lonely.