He just wants to help me. And I just want to be saved. I don’t have control over my life anymore. I’d take anyone else’s help, but no one cares enough to bother. My poor family, I hate myself for even considering to hurt them. And my counsellor, I promised her I’d strart a therapy. I’m such a waste. There’s no escape, nothing I try helps. I wish I had the guts, I wish I didn’t care about all of them. Death wouldn’t abandon me, wouldn’t reject me. He’s a friend that wants to help, always there when no one else is. I was lying to myself when I imagined getting better on my own.
And you, I fucking hate you. You took my life and everything I had, you sucked out all the energy I had, you sacrificed me so that you could live. I wish I could kill myself to hurt you, but I’m already less than a speck of dust to you. I wish I had never gotten to know you, I’d either be better off now, or already dead. Just listen to the hateful being you have turned me into. I can’t live with who I am, I can’t live to get better, I can’t die. What am I even doing.
3 comments
This is how I feel too, death is just always there.. To take away our pain and torment. To free us… Why does it have to be like this. 🙁
The nameless person you cite as being responsible for destroying your life will only have as much power over your destiny as you allow him/her. I’m not saying you weren’t wronged, but it is possible to move from the place you are. Your hatred gives this person control over your life, forgiving yourself and him/her can free you to create a renewed beginning.
This is an interesting post. So you characterize death as a friend, a trustworthy friend. Did I get that right? Well so do I. My picture of death is from an old photograph of a WW2 aerial bombing photographer who rode on bombers back then and although a photographer, not a pilot, I always imagine her capable of mercy bombing if the need were to arise. Who knows if or when I will call on my “friend”.