I’m a lone bleeding wolf, who can’t walk any further

At days like this, when I am feeling realllllllyyyyyy close to the end of my life (tho I’m only 20 y.o) I like to blink fast and gaze upon my whole “walk”.

Wandering about my wounds usually makes me question this reality….

How did I got here?
Did I deserve it? Am I really alone?
Perhaps my wish to have a close girl friend and the minimum of 2 close friends is just too much?

Perhaps for you guys those questions are nothing, but for me…. even when I have recovered from the financial crisis, even if I got stabled , and found peace.  I’m yet not different than a badly wound Wolf.

The “more fucked” you get, the harder is to find people like you. The harder is to find compassion or understanding in your life obstacles.

Recovering rape, for you might seems like an “Achievement” ,  but for others it’s nothing, they have never experienced that.

At age 17.8, my kingdom (self reflection) has crashed. I never thought such a strong self esteem can be demolished and as gentle as an everyday mirror.

This post, I want to talk about my wishes, and I want to be open to all of you readers.

I wish to have a good interesting well payed job. I wish my mom to recover her horrible life. I wish for me to find a girlfriend that cares. I wish for my brother to get into Uni….  I would be happy if that happen, but untill then, I have to wait.

so, I keep on walking. With my wounds open, with the wind aching the sores. I base my hope on two;

1. “it doesn’t matter” – feelings, friends, success, losses. I keep on walking.
2. “You can’t connect the dots looking forward” – the final product can’t be looked on before it was made. I can connect the dots only looking backward, and untill then I’ll have to trust anything.

Anyhow, You are more than welcome to comment. Hope you have a good time, will love to hear from you.
Your beloved soldier – Jac

p.s – I never have been raped, didn’t had a better analogy tho