Just got through another short hospitalization. Now staying at a crisis centre and the counselors are trying to convince me to try one more time to get better. I have a new appointment with a new shrink in a new city.
The promise that maybe this shrink will pick up on something that the others didnt….the promise that maybe this job will work out….
Everyone keeps trying to tell me to move forward in the hopes that i can turn things around. And there is a part of me that wants to hope for this.
But I have lived in seven cities in the last eight years. I have had several “fresh starts” and I have managed to torpedo all of them. I keep trying to change things.
People dont believe me but i have tried. I have done the meditation, the therapy (cbt, dbt, psychodynamic, and even that weird tapping thing…..only thing i havent tried is ect and i refuse), and so many medications i have lost track
I feel like hoping for a new outcome at this point in my life is like Lizza Minelli singing “maybe this time” in Cabaret: the audience knows, and deep down she knows, that this time wont be any different.
For those of you who dont get the reference i suppose it is also like the Tracy Chapman song “fast car”. There is this undercurrent of hopelessness because we know he wont get a job and she wont get promoted and they wont move out of the shelter.
Im scared to hope because I dont think hope is realistic at this point. And even if it is possible for things to get better, im not sure i have the energy to try anymore. I am just spent. Entirely and unequivocally spent.
But for today anyway, Im still here…
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Hope. A gift and a curse I think. people will tell you to look for all the things you might have missed and you’ll end up thinking “Maybe I did miss something, maybe there is more to be found.”
I’m not going to tell you to keep hoping. deep down you know if there is something you missed or not, but even if your answer is that there is nothing good left for you to find in this world, it doesn’t mean that death is the answer, because I do know (or at least am fairly sure) that there is nothing you could ever find in death.