It’s hard to pretend everything is the same, that nothing is wrong. It’s really hard to say “Yeah, we will go on that trip next year” when you won’t be alive next year. But if I don’t pretend, someone may find out my plans. I can’t fail, I must die.
I changed method for the third and last time, I think this one is a pretty safe one.
The deadline is so painfully close. I’m kinda scared… or is it “sad”? I don’t know, I don’t know much about feelings.
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for me, the feeling was loneliness and paralyzing pain. not one of my closest friends or family members came to mind. Just the thought that I should have been more. I could have been more. I couldn’t take the pain of my depression anymore. It won. I just need relief.
If you want to talk, I’m here.
I think the right word is despair. And I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way, it must be difficult. And thanks for the offer, but I’m kinda bad at replying to messages.
Why are you scared? Of what exactly?
Everytime i thought about it i was super scared too. But after making my decision i now feel calm and peaceful.
Maybe you have enough fight left in yourself? Maybe the fear is telling you not to do it yet?
Fear of failure. I can’t fail, I must die.
But other than that, I also feel the calmness you speak of, and it is very comforting indeed.
Must is a strong word. I don’t believe that you are ready for this. There is uncertainty in your words. Usually fear is the mechanism that keeps us alive. But being afraid when you are certain of your decision? May i ask you to give it a few more thoughts?
It’s not about whether I’m ready or not, I can’t fail. There’s a date set, and if I can’t make it, if I fail, there will be horrible consequences. There are people who will notice something I did this year, and if I don’t die, they will make me pay for it. Well, that’s my fear related to my suicide, but certainly not my motive.
My main motive is that I can’t stand my life, the way it is and the way it’ll turn out to be in the future knowing that I can’t do anything to change it.