I’m a 19 year old college student and extremely depressed. I’m 5’4 (which I don’t really care about anymore), I’ve been receding since I was 15 and should be bald by 25, I have an abnormally large head (buzzed it resembles a large peanut), and an asymmetrical weird face. On top of this, I’m awkward and quiet most of the time (this is probably because of how depressed I am). I really don’t see the point in living anymore. Everyday I wake up, look in the mirror, and fucking hate myself. The only thing I’m holding onto are my friends and my mom, who I never even see anymore. My family is distant. I have’t told anyone how I feel, and I just need someone to talk to. Thanks guys.
8 comments
Maybe you should seek professional help. Maybe you could go see a mental health worker at your college
I think maybe other people aren’t all that interested in your weaknesses. They are more interested in what they can get out of you. Maybe it’s simply better to focus on that.
i swear, people are so quick to say “go see a professional”. you’re reaching out to help and that’s good, welcome to sp. not sure if you’re new here, but regardless, welcome.
Well, first off, welcome to the community. Second, I know how you feel. College– especially the first year of it– is rough, and the fact that everyone aknowledges that it’s rough only serves to make it worse. It leads your peers to assume that your problems are identical to theirs (as your environment is new and similar) which makes it extremely difficult to find someone to talk to. The fact that you mentioned friends is a huge plus. Friends are good. Don’t go trying to make too many of them, it’s a massive waste of time that you’ll end up regretting later. Make a few good ones. If you have one that you trust, try to open up to them.
As for going bald and having a peanut head… well, there’s nothing you can do about it. Own it, I guess. Fortunately, there’s a hell of a lot you can do about the rest of you, which generally balances itself out. I always hated how I looked, on top of self-harm impulses. So I tried to take out two birds with one stone and worked out until it hurt worse than the cigarette lighters that had provided less constructive relief. Well, I still hate how I look, and the impulses are still there, but at least now I can do more pushups than I used to so I guess I have that going for me. A quick “bring sally up” (its a song, and a pretty good one) pushup/squat/leglift in the morngings every day goes a long way to providing some kind of drive to get through the day with no equipment and 3-6 minutes of time. It’s better than nothing, anyway. If you have one of those crossfit/crazy-early-runs/protein-shake/general-health-nut friends, maybe go to a campus gym with them. Or just go without one. It’s a campus gym, they’re not exactly invitation-only.
If any of your friends have gone through anything similar and are at the same college, try asking them if they trust any of the counselors. If you’re hesitant to talk to someone– well, you’re totally justified. Read your HIPPA laws, and for the first session or so don’t reveal anything that implies an immediate desire to harm yourself or others (unless you think you would benefit from either an intensive outpatient program (IOP) or a stay in a hospital. For some people, those stays help. Revelaing suicidal ideation is generally okay, so long as it isn’t what is defined as “active” (a distinct plan, basically). Obviously, not fully committing to a counselor means that they won’t be able to help you as much as they could otherwise, but at least for me, any appointment I know I can walk out of at any time without reprecussion is an appointment I’m way more comfortable going to.
Finally, any kind of volunteer program you can get yourself into is huge. Gives you people to talk to, gives you purpose. Habitat for Humanity, the SPCA (if you like animals), a local fire department (which requires way more commitment than the others, but it’s a great thing to get into), anything.
Good luck.
I’ve been lifting for about 2 years now and I’m pretty jacked haha. Thats all I can do to balance out the big head. Its really hard to live when it feels like everyone is looking at you. I’m just scared that when I go bald, its going to be much worse. And I know it will. When finals are over I’m going to buzz my head. I want to see what I’m going to look like the rest of my life. I hope I can handle it. As for now, I’m not going to harm myself. Every day I wake up and push through it. I know that i have what it takes to be successful in life. I’m going to try to work on myself as a person. I know I’m ugly, weird looking, and that people are going to stare at me my whole life. I’m trying to fight through this and see the good in myself. I know that if I left, it would hurt everyone around me. But every day is painful…
People have always told me that confidence can overcome any kind of physical imperfection. Then again, they told me that if I believed in myself I could do anything, and I tried really hard to be a bat for a while and that just didn’t work out. I suppose they were telling a very young me that they meant I could be a doctor or a lawyer, but still. Never been fond of that whole “if you believe in yourself you can be anything” business. Leads to the mindset that any achievement short of being an astronaut or head of the Federal Reserve is a personal failure.
I’m not much older than you are, so I can hardly give much of a perspective, but it has always seemed to me that the older you get, the less people around you care about how you look so much as they care about what you can do.
I also have an asymmetrical, weird face. Hair grows longer in certain areas which makes it impossible to style. I get stared at most places I go. It doesn’t bother me as much anymore but that’s also because of depression.
I’m sure you’ve heard all the cliche advice, “Talk to a professional,” “People are too worried about their own lives to look at strangers,” “They’re the ones with the problem not you,” “You’ll find someone that loves you for you.” None of this really helps and makes the person feel invalidated. Having girlfriends also doesn’t change the way other people treat you.
It’s difficult because unless someone’s dealt with it, they don’t know what it’s like. It sounds like you have other things going for you and I’d try to focus on those things as much as possible instead of your appearance.
I have same problem and I don’t like what I see in mirror. 🙁