I hate myself.

I just want people to know that they’re allowed to approach me without feeling unnerved.. I get how awkward it is speaking to new people for the first time… but even after I speak they retract from me…

This is probably the main killer for my mood… lately I’ve been finding it harder and harder to accept myself or anything… slowly becoming anti-social…. I think people are beginning to pick up on this too…… lately I’ve begun to see myself as nothing but an *sshole… a narcissistic horrible jerk… a freak….

Nobody knows who I am…… I’m not talking about online, but in real life…… and it makes me feel so bad… I’m always noted as “the quiet kid” and the “innocent one”…. people keep their distance…… they end up thinking my quietness is my only personality trait, yet they have no idea how DESPERATE I am to just make a friend… to have someone to talk with…. anyone…. I find it hard to speak, ’cause of my experiences throughout childhood and of course being autistic makes things 1,000,000 times harder… say, social cues freak me out a lot. I’m mostly unsure when it’s rude to join in with a conversation, how to even approach others, speak up, etc etc…… I have an idea, but when this is clashing with my anxiety…….

It’s probably my fault people react to me like this……..
This is the reason why soon I’ll wake up with no friends…. nobody…. nothing, this has happened on my previous course, it’ll happen again………..

God knows why I still choose to live… am I just scared or stupid…….