i love it when my brain twists normal conversations into irrevocable proof that i am despised and unwanted by the other person. my partner will try to end a phone conversation promptly because he’s busy, and i will take that as a sign that he absolutely hates talking to me. he’ll say, “i love you,” in a different tone than usual, and i’ll think he’s lying. my niece will rank me last in her list of people she loves, and i will kill myself inside. my co-worker will not smile when we part at work, and i will immediately believe she hates my guts.
but it’s all true, isn’t it? i am a terrible, worthless piece of garbage. how could anyone love me? everyone only puts up with me out of pity or politeness. my partner is just too afraid to break things off in case i go off the rails and kill myself. my family only deals with me out of obligation, but they all wish i had never been born. i wish i had never been born.
i’m so useless, i can’t even kill myself successfully. what a garbage subhuman waste of space. i deserve this hell.
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I still twist conversation into meaning something terrible horrible when none such was intended.
I understand that. My brain often manages to twist interactions I have with others in such a way. I’ll obsess about the situation for hours, trying to figure out what I could have done or said to make the other person not hate me the way I’m sure they do after whatever happened. Trying to figure out what I did wrong. I feel better when I remember that my brain stopped being reliable months ago, and whatever went down that made me feel so bad probably wasn’t as steeped in meaning as I think it was. Chances are, your partner’s with you because they love you, and your family ‘puts up with you’ because they care. You’re not worthless. And you’re loved. And that’s important.