Life Story

My home life hasn’t been too great. I mean compared to other people, it hasn’t been awful, but the stressful environment is enough to get to me I guess. Maybe I just want attention, maybe I’m just weaker than other people; I don’t really know what’s wrong with me, but I just can’t take it anymore. When I was in high school, I worked really hard; I took all of the hardest classes, had a 4.0, got a 32 on the ACT, had glowing SAT subject test scores, all of the extracurriculars, my teachers loved me and wrote me the sweetest letters of rec, but why did I do it all? I just wanted to go to a good university so that I could move far away and leave my problems behind.

My dad is the biggest issue for me. He’s an alcoholic, and he has been for years. Honestly, I can’t remember a time that he didn’t drink. No one ever used to talk about it, but we all just kind of knew that he had a problem and was pretty much always drunk or at least spent more time intoxicated than sober. He gets mean when he’s drunk too. It’s not abusive like you see in movies where some guy just beats everyone cuz he’s drunk, but he’ll throw things, and shout, and just act like a complete ass. When I was little, he used to be more abusive I guess, but I don’t know if I would classify what he did as abuse. I mean parents hit their kids all the time, but he would drag me by my ears, hit me, one time he even choked me because my dog got into my guinea pig’s food and it spilled on the carpet and he thought I was lying and that I really did it. Some of these moments from when I was little just stick in my head and I can’t get them out. He stopped actually hurting me like that though when I was about 12 or 13 because I think he realized that I was at a breaking point, and I finally knew that what he was doing was wrong and I would tell someone. The verbal abuse never ended, though. He makes sexist remarks all the time like “I know how you women lie about money” and shit like that. He gets drunk and acts like a prick and like everything that I do or my siblings or my mom does is something secretive that we are trying to hide from him or something. I barely made it through my senior year in high school, but I pushed through, even though every year life at home would get worse and worse. I kept going because I thought this is it, you’re almost there, you are so close to moving out and starting your own life and being free. So, I made it through, even after I had some of the worst arguments I’ve ever had with both of my parents, and I even confronted my dad about his drinking problems, which is something that I’ve dreamed about doing but never had the courage to do. It wasn’t worth it, though, because he stopped drinking after being totally wasted that night, then he just started drinking again within 24 hours of our fight about it, and I couldn’t sleep then bombed an important test the next day and was late to class, which isn’t like me at all. I never told anyone about any of this until that day when I finally opened up to my best friend about some of it, but I know that she would tell her parents everything, and she has a perfect family and they’re all so nice, so I feel like I can’t really talk to her about a lot of this stuff. Plus it’s not just my life, it’s also my mom’s and my brother and sister’s and I feel like it would be an invasion of their privacy if I talk about it. Anyways, flash forward and I get to college and things are going great, I’m meeting new people and having a good time, but I still feel shitty. I feel like I still have to pretend to be happy all the time. I thought that once I got away I would feel better about everything, but I don’t. And then, on the first week of classes, I get a call from my mom that my dad had a serious heart attack and has to have a quadruple bypass (or something like that I don’t remember the exact procedure) and even though I hate my dad it still made me upset because I just didn’t know how to feel. Obviously I must love him a little or something, but I just couldn’t feel anything for him, or anything else. I just felt like the world is so bland and people are fake, they may be your friends but do they really care about anyone? Like if they could choose to save you or other people or just save themselves everyone would choose themselves except for maybe a few people. I was just upset and withdrawn and some of my friends I’ve know for a long time started to notice. I just felt out of control of everything: my dad, my feelings, school work, my friends, etc. I thought that once I moved out my problems would be solved, but I was wrong. I lost all motivation to do anything. The only reason I would leave was for class or because my friends made me. My grades dropped, and I know college is harder than high school, but I should not have been doing as poorly as I was doing. I began gaining weight, and now I just look at myself and hate myself. My mom doesn’t help with that because every time she sees me she has to hint at it or point it out or suggest that I exercise more and eat healthier. I felt so miserable and alone, even though I have wonderful friends who have encouraged me to get help even though they don’t know my whole story and all of my problems, they have even volunteered to go with me to talk to someone, but I never went. I just feel like my problems are dumb compared to other people that someone could be helping that probably actually needs it. I was so upset at one point that I almost killed myself, but I backed out because I didn’t want my roommate to come back and find me dead or dying or something, and I just couldn’t go through with it. I started harming myself again (I don’t want to talk about how because I don’t want to break the rules here) soon after that, but I hate doing it yet somehow it just makes what I’m feeling seem more real. Now, I’m back home for winter break and things are worse than ever. My dad is still drinking (and has done a lot of shitty things while I was away that my mom told me about) even though he can’t because it can kill him. Today my parents got in a huge fight about it and about how poorly my dad treats my mom, but I know nothing will change, and I feel awful for my mom, but I can’t help her. In my family, we never really talk about stuff or get too personal. No one ever says shit like I love you or whatever, and it just feels awkward and weird for me to talk to anyone about what I’m feeling. I talk to some of my friends sometimes, but none of them know all of the details, and they don’t really want to listen to me complain about my life and feel sorry for myself. I guess I just wanted to rant and get it out because if I didn’t do this, then I don’t know if I would be able to make it through the next three weeks of break. I just can’t handle another shitty day like I had today tomorrow, but I know that tomorrow will be even worse and both my parents are going to yell at me because they’re both upset, angry, and hurt. I guess any advise about what you would do in this situation would be nice. Thanks if you made it this far, and sorry for such a long annoying post.