Crash! Or maybe just hang on to the guard rail!

Well my life has been going non stop in the past few weeks pretty much to the point of crushing and I’m barley holding on to the guard rail.

Like earlier this week I was standing in my parents kitchen early in the morning getting my glass of water ready to take my medicine. When I found my bottle of booze from nye. For a few moments I seriously had strong thoughts of replacing the water in my cup with vodka. I strongly thought about doing it but decided against it in the end or Like over the weekend I went shopping with my family and went to a clothing store turns out I dropped two shirt sizes and people been complimenting me on my weight loss. Honestly I feel as ugly as ever. I mean its getting to the point that I literally struggle to eat something with out having to temp myself. Especially in front of my boyfriend. Like last weekend he came over for movie night. Which was really nice though I ate a crap ton of sugary treats with him and then felt guilty afterwards. Though I didn’t dare mention it to him.

There’s a chance I might not be able to see my favorite therapist anymore. Due to the West Virginia Government and my case worker being pieces of fucking shit! Also due to the fact that my state health insurance does not cover it. I am literally numbing up on the inside right now. What happened last night was even worse.

Me and my sister are in the same online financial  literacy class. Since the homework was due yesterday she suggested us working on it together. That was possibly the biggest mistake I made this week.  I had no clue what the fuck I was doing and whenever I asked my sister for help she would yell and ***** at me .  So I pretty much wasted two hours of my life doing nothing when I could of been working on other things. I tried using the breathing exercise my therapist taught me to help calm my nerves and not freak out.  first three times it worked the fourth time I freaked out and had an emotional melt down I quickly packed up my things and left with my sister yelling and cussing at me. When I slammed the door in her face I heard her say to never fucking come back!

I literally hid in the basement restroom of my colleges union and balled my eyes out and hit myself in the head for 20+ minutes before I had to go to my night class. I still have a awful headache from that. My sister was bawling and pukeing out the car window ( due to motion sickness) all the way home. Is it wrong of me to say that I don’t feel fucking bad about it at all.  I am just tired of being nice and sweet to everyone while I have family at home that treats me like I’m subhuman treats me like shit.

The only times that I feel like I was alive and not feel like I was out of control was during the sketching session in my drawing two class even though I hate working with charcoal in general. Just having it in my hand and bringing the sculpture to life on paper. Made me feel alive . shit bothering the back of my mind disappeared for a little while. Like I was in control and all the hour class went by really fast so I ended up staying two extra hours afterwards just working on it.  The other time was at surprisingly my intro to cinema class last night we watched a old movie. a silent movie. Though its not even the style of film I normally watch It helped me clear my mind and my headache slightly for a little while.

I’m sorry if this post seem like a random jumble of thoughts. But honestly this is the only place I feel safe to talk         about what’s on my mind. I know if I tell people  whats on my mind they would probably think I’m more crazy than I already am. I do not need more drama or my life to go more out of control right now than it already is.

Thank you for reading! <3