For those of you that have read my past posts since when I first joined this site . You probably think I’ve been through some messed up periods in my life. Today’s post was actually inspired by a conversation me and my partner had through text a couple nights ago. I was going through a rough time and I pretty much just broke down and told him what was going on. He was extremely supportive and not matter how much I told him I wasn’t worth loving. He would try to say something positive about me or why he loved me. He told me you know your a lot stronger than you think. Honestly If I was in your shoes and been through what you had in your lifetime. I would of been waving the white flag years ago.
It started to make me think. I know I am hard on myself a lot every time I make a mistake I tend to take it out on myself whenever it would be physically or mentally. Which makes me wonder why am I like this? Is it due to the way I was raised to always be tough on myself to strive for success? Is it my desire to try to please people to be on their good side and hopefully reap the rewards from it at some point down the road?
Like for example when I was trying on new clothes a couple nights ago. My sister was like I really wish you wouldn’t wear your clothes so baggy. You are not as big as you think you are. I wish you could have a better body image. On days when I go out for like class or to do stuff I always wear my shirts a little baggier than normal since I am not comfortable with wearing skin tight or regular fitting clothes. Since I’m afraid that the extra fat on my stomach would poof out or show.
I was always the big girl growing up even when I played sports from elementary through high school. Plus all those years of being bullied and harassed by my classmates doesn’t help either. I am trying my best to get better but a lot of things are still in my way and try their best to haunt me.
Thank you for reading! 🙂
1 comment
I don’t think you’re alone in being hard on yourself.
I read an article today about three “characters” in our minds: the “exile”, the “manager”, and the “firefighter”.
You can have more than one for any given issue. I mean, obviously, it’s not real, it’s just a psychological model of our minds.
The exile represents all our insecurities. It says things like “Am I good enough?”, “Am I worth loving?”, etc.
The manager tries to calm down the exile by managing. It says stuff like “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps”, “Stop procrastinating”, “Work harder”. But this doesn’t always work. Sometimes it becomes too much, and makes everything worse.
Then the firefighter steps in. It says things like “If you eat a tub of ice cream, you’ll feel so good”, “You deserve to stay up late watching TV after the day you’ve had”, etc. etc. etc. Of course, this also makes things worse in the long run.
The article suggested that if you’re struggling with a problem, you take a moment to calm down, then kind of have a dialogue with these voices. You talk with the exile(s), manager(s), and firefighter(s).
Idk. It’s just another way to examine your own behaviour, I suppose.