Idk

I’ve read a lot of posts on here without making an account for two reasons. One is because I felt no need to, and the second is because I didn’t want others to laugh with me if they ever found out that I made an account. They would follow me around on here, reading my posts and laughing, thinking that what they do does no harm.

I don’t know where to begin.

I feel like none of my friends are reliable enough. I feel like no matter what, i’ll grow up to be a failure and live alone and not do anything. I feel like I am the only person that truly exists so if I kill myself it’s a waste of my time. Why kill myself when I could do something bigger. Then again, it means that in the end, my achievements don’t matter. Grades don’t matter, my art doesn’t matter, or anything.

But I digress.

I hate that I have an awful friend who will laugh about people who are trying to kill themselves and are possibly dead. I remember one time I was seriously low, and she was on this very website laughing about how someone wanted to kill themselves and how they did not feel loved or accepted in the world. It is heartbreaking to me to know that if she knew how I felt on the inside she would laugh at me. Not only that but she also says that depressing is only genetic as well as anxiety, and there is no way anyone who hasn’t been diagnosed with it can actually have it.

Then again, I don’t really know.of I can truly be depressed, after reading a lot of your posts. I don’t want to give up, I’ve learned that much about myself. I don’t want to die, I just want to cease to exist.

Reading these posts has made me realize how idiotic it is for me to want to die. I haven’t been in and out of mental institutions, I haven’t been raped, I haven’t been abused, I just feel really dumb and it just makes me hurt even more for wanting to die.

I really just seriously want to end it all today. I can’t have any privacy because we have visitors staying over so I don’t even have my room or my time to cry. The tears star to fall and then I have to go out and gree people, do this or that, and once I’m alone again, I crumple up into a ball of self hated. Why do I feel so nervous in front of people? How am I able to put on a fake face and smile when I feel almost as low as I did that other time I tried to kill myself, when I realized I really don’t wang to kill myself but just don’t want to exist any longer. And I can’t talk to my friends because I can’t bring myself to reach out to anyone.

I just want to go back to school, as strange as it sounds. At school I have friends that talk to me and make me smile and forget how I feel. I can’t even be depressed around them or nervous or anything, that’s how I feel. But outside of school I barely keep in contact with them, and I feel it just isn’t the same. I start to worry if they actually like me or if I’m just boring. Do they just put up with me because I’m in the little group or do they actually value me. So it’s way harder to talk to them outside of school, where I don’t feel the smart reassurance that they like me as much as I like them.

So that’s it, I guess, but not really because I have more deep inside. But I don’t want to go into a deep confession when I know for myself that there is at least one person out there who looks at these posts and laughs. I just don’t know. I don’t want a response I just needed to write this and thank you if you read all the way to the end.

I will delete this.

EDIT: not deleting