Cursed Subconscious

Just woke up. Had a dream of my life back when I had the opportunity to be happy, had friends, and loved someone. That was years ago, and every time I have dreams this vivid that resurface my happier life, I wake up truly wanting death.

I literally am to the point that I break down in my dream and tell my friends and people I once loved that I really, really miss them and would give anything to come back to how things were. It’s gotten that bad.

While my happy dreams make me feel free while I’m experiencing them, once I wake, the full weight of all of the guit, shame, and bad decisions that have now crippled me in life hit me all at once. All the lost friendships, failure to bond with my peers both in my old life and current one, and fqilure to appropriately learn how to fuction in society. The result of all of these myriad opportunities, friendships, etc. is that I am now alone, socially crippled, unpoved, and unable to function in this world.

I’m instantly reminded of why killing myself is the one thing I must succeed at.

Sorry if I’m rambling here, I get quite emotionally unstable when I’m feeling all of this.