Back in Oct/Nov of last year, I had a moment of feeling good (briefly) trying some new therapies (for body). And I decided that in order to live, I would need to fix my feet and be able to walk. Well, that is true, but that means going to stay with my sister for 2-3mo to have my feet fixed by someone here. Well, this is where I am atm and I am regretting coming down here (of course, of course).
What was I thinking? When I decided I wanted to fix my feet and live- was that moment a moment of sanity, or insanity?
I am miserable down here. It’s been 3 weeks. 3 more months to go. And it’s not guaranteed my foot will be fixed.
A large part of me just wants to end it all.
8 comments
Maybe when your walking again that clarity will come back. In moments of clarity we can rational where as when we feel depressed everything is depressing.
I think it’s the same desire we all want – a better life. It’s not insane to want that, although it probably seems like it right now. Imagine what it’ll be like down the road though, if it helps. . . Misery today, but tomorrow better days, at least a little better, hopefully.
Right now, it’s misery living with my sister. And I can’t go anywhere or do anything because no car. Can’t uber because everything is so far away and spread out. I’m stuck here.
Yeah, that’s got to be maddening. Are your feet getting better?
Well, I have to strengthen my muscles first before anything can be done to the feet (I lost all the muscles when I couldn’t walk). It’s kind of like a catch-22. In order to get the foot fixed, I have to gain muscles first. But in order to gain back the foot muscles, I need to walk. Sigh.
Well right now I’m supposed to be going to the gym to work out, but day1 of the gym and I got sick for the entire week (apparently if you have low immune system, you shouldn’t go into the sauna). Well that derailed me for a whole week. I was so sick from just the sauna, I hadn’t even worked out yet.
When I go to the gym there is a young fellow there whose leg is in a brace of some sort and it is turned a bit to one side. He struggles to the treadmill then walks and walks. I admire him for his persistence and courage. I commend you also for getting out of your apartment and trying to get better. Perhaps you and the young fellow at my gym will meet one day while you both are going for a morning jog!!! Wouldn’t that be grand. I wish you the best of luck and success!!
ED – I think u made a good decision about your foot. Now if I were living with any my siblings that would be hell I get that.
I hope you can get the strength back in your feet. I think if you start to see progress, it’ll add incentive to keep moving forward. Don’t give up on it. You’ll begin to feel differently about things when you realize you’re making progress. Your body wants to heal, and it’s going to need your help, but it can happen. 🙂