This is unusual for me. Usually I am overwhelmed with feelings. Usually everything is just too much: too much grief, too much despair, too much anguish. Usually I want to die to escape the unyielding pain.
Today, suddenly, it all went from too much to nothing at all. I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything, not even myself…whoever that is. (Not sure I ever really knew…except that it was someone I desperately did not want to be.)
Today everything is silent. My reality feels muted somehow. I’m seeing the world around me and interacting with it, but my vision is slightly blurred and everything sounds muffled…as if I am under water or in a dream. (And no, I’m not on anything).
I don’t feel the usual frantic need to escape, but I still feel the same compulsion to die.
I feel like all of my usual demons (grief, depression, and anxiety) have fled (who knows where they went), but my constant companion, suicidality, is still here. Begging me to leave.
I almost want the chaos of the usual demons back, because then at least the intensity of my emotions would match the intensity of my compulsion to die.