REALLY LONG POST.

Been sitting here for hours trying to get the guts to finally fucking end it. I just wish I had the guts to fucking end it already. I can almost GUARANTEE that I will end it myself SOMEDAY with  in the next year or two. This is not something that I will be able to avoid. And there’s no reason why I should try to stop something that I can almost guarantee I won’t be able to avoid.

im SICK of god. For the last 9.5 YEARS he has done absolutely NOTHING but make my life as hard as he possibly can, and has only been making it worse and worse every year. IF things continue to only get worse, and that continues for the next year or two, then there’s not even a CHANCE that I will make it.

i just can’t bear the pain anymore. I wake up every day lately feeling like I am going to die from anxiety. I have been getting so nervous that I have been unable to fucking BREATHE.

i have been contemplating suicide for SO LONG now.

i have his one problem specifically. One that is harder than all the others. Basically to make a long story short, I am always extremely overheated. Like, every second of the day. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with the temperature outside or anything like that. I don’t know how else to explain this, really. I have been dealing with this problem for almost FOUR years, and every day it just gets harder and harder to handle. It is at a point right now where it is so bad, that I don’t even think I can handle it for even ONE more day.

this problem controls basically every aspect of my life. Basically, it makes everything so much harder than it would be otherwise. It makes me unable to think, focus, and many other things. But the worst part is, it makes my other thoughts that I have, even stronger. Like, I have things that make me feel sad, and because of this “overheating” issue, those things that make me sad, make me feel 100000 times more sad, all because of this “overheating” issue I have. It also makes my anxiety 1000000 times worse, every second of the day and I just can’t handle it anymore. Today I was so anxious because of this heat issue, and just all my thoughts in general that I go through, that I felt like i was going to die. And it only continues to get worse over time, and I can ALREADY barely handle it, so I can only IMAGINE how much worse it will probably get.

It is not at a level where I can handle it anymore. I can’t handle waking up, and feeling so anxious like I’m going to die, and being unable to breathe.

what I’m afraid of is that one day, all these things that currently stop me from ending my life, won’t be an issue anymore. I’m afraid that the pain I will have will be greater than all the fears that stop me from ending my life, therefore causing me to actually do it. Im terrified that this day is inevitable and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Im not going to list all my problems specifically because that would simply take WAY too long.

but I have this other problem too:

it has to do with this girl I like. I am EXTREMELY sad about the fact that I never see her anymore and I am EXTREMELY sad because I am thinking about things like, all the good times I had with her in school, and how I never get to see her anymore. And how I never have times like that anymore, especially with her, and it’s causing me EXTREME emotional pain.

I just turned 21 on April 5. Ever since junior year of high school, i have had the STRONGEST feelings for this person. So what I’m basically saying is that I have had this obsession for the last 4.5 years.

I have had this obsession ever since I knew her which I am about to explain.

The thing about this person is; she has the MOST AMAZING PERSONALITY I have literally EVER seen. Because if this, I have had this obsession for the last 4.5 years. The obsession is that I wish I could literally PHYSICALLY BE HER. Now before you tell me that it’s impossible, I’m well aware. You don’t need to tell me that.
I have had this thought ever since junior year of high school, and ever since, it has been bothering ne more than EVER!!!!!!
This is NOT a thought that passes. This is a thought I have had almost every day for the last 4.5 years. In my junior year of high school, I don’t think there was a single day where I didn’t think about this whole thing. I’m not saying meeting this person was a bad thing, but ever since I did, it has made that ENTIRE year possibly the craziest year I have ever had in my entire life. I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN THE FEELINGS THIS HAS CAUSED ME AND STILL CAUSES ME. AND HOW MUCH IT HAS CHANGED SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS ABOUT MY LIFE.

But the part that bothers me the most is how I could never physically be her. And I’m about to explain why.

This person, basically has the most amazing personality I have ever seen. I have NEVER seen someone who has a personality like her. It is TRULY UNIQUE.
Now, you’re probably going to ask me, what are some characteristics of her personality? Well here’s how I would answer that question: there are no NORMAL/GENERAL personality characteristics that I can explain that I admire about her. It’s her personality, things like the way she behaves and thinks and stuff like that. To understand this, you would have to know this person VERY well, like I do, and you’d have to truly have a general understanding of what she’s like to be able to understand this.

I CANT EMPHASIZE ENOUGH HOW BADLY I WISH I COULD BE THIS GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But this has been bothering me for YEARS and lately the thought of this has been SO STRONG. Even though the thought of wanting to physically be her is ABSOLUTELY bothering me, I have other painful thoughts about her too, like not being able to see her anymore, and thinking about all the memories I have had with her in school. I just CANT HANDLE all these painful thoughts/memories I am getting about this person. I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN HOW AWKWARD THIS WHOLE THING HAS MADE ME FEEL ALL THESE YEARS. I need you guys to do ANYTHING nice, or anything that can help me through this because it’s EXTREMELY PAINFUL.

Lately I have been waking up every morning, and this has been causing me a TON of pain, along with my heat issue end everything else I go through in my life.

I don’t know what to do. I am almost unable to BREATHE right now.

Finally,  i have my method selected for the day I finally decide to do it. My life has just become more than I can bear. I really feel like my time is running out. I’m scared. Really wish I had the guts to just end it for good right now.